Teenie's back!

Turns out that the first post was just a prelude to her epic story to come! I'll have to subscribe to this topic and follow it for more updates, the first post was just too priceless.

Topic:

underlying darkness


Prose (with edits, I won't post this twice):

CHAPTER 1 (part one): A Stranger


"Eh.eh. ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" bellows my alarm clock [Retarded Canadian alarm clock, eh? Errrrrr....] as i hit the snooze button. Sadly my mother yells only a few seconds after the annoying buzz. [I think Comma Fiend stole some of your punctuation there. And... I don't think I need to voice my opinion on that sentence.]
"Elizabeth get up! Your going to be late for school!" [Er... Teenie, before you go off telling everyone you're an "aspiring writer," learn the difference between "your" and "YOU'RE." Thank you.]
"Fine" I sigh to myself when i [Shift button is your friend, it likes you and you are shunning it.] finally drag my body out of bed [And promptly tried to figure out how you would bury it without your mother noticing.].
I pick out a plain white v-neck that is at the top of my drawer, a pair of jeans, and head for the bathroom to take a shower [Uh... I think something is wrong with the list of items you just made. What's a head to the bathroom? Learn about basic sentence structure, lady. When you're listing items you finish off the list before going off on another clause.]. I go down the sparsely lit mustard[earlier today we had a person who used random hyphenation... now we have one that doesn't use it where it's needed.] colored hallway that leads from the bathroom to the stairs at the end of the hall, I passed by all of our family photos and wedding pictures of my parents and grandparents [I think the comma was supposed to be a period. This is where not proof reading comes back to kick you in the ass.]. Go downstairs and into the open kitchen/ dinning room to find my dad at the table reading his paper, and my mother making eggs; a normal and plain morning [Despite the length of this sentence it is composed of two fragments that do NOT make a whole sentence. It's a long, ugly fragment sentence.]. But the normality was going to slightly change, after I drove to school in my 1979 mustang convertible [because you know most students own cars like that. I know I'm really weird because I, in my student self, drive a 2001 minivan that needs some serious front end frame work that I can't currently afford. And what's with the random detail anyways? And such a RANDOM sentence... it would change... after I drove THAT THERE CAR TO SCHOOL. Any other car and it would stay the same! Really. Why can't you just say "that would change after the drive to school?" Come on. Come ON!]. I went to my locker which was conveniently placed right in front of the door [Wait... what? When did you actually drive to school? What's happening?! I don't understand... and WHAT door? *another head explosion*]and just down the hall from my first class; I found Chad already there waiting for me at his locker that is only 3 [Basic writing skills, type out any numbers under one hundred in word form. Three, THREE, -THREE-!]from mine [Adorable.]. Chad had been my best friend since I was three [... yet you can type out THIS kind of three. , he was the one person I could talk to about practically anything. (But one thing, the one thing he could never know may have caused this to happen.) [Teenie, I think you may have blown my mind with that sentence. PS: the period goes outside the parenthesis.]

Chad's a good-looking guy in every since[SENSE. Your aspiration SUCKS.] of the word, he's tall (about six foot two to be exact) [Why do we care about this detail? We don't.], his dirty blond air kept loosely slicked back has a bit of a spike, he has blue eyes, and a face that is neither too square nor too round with no blemishes or freckles, he's muscular, which I guess comes with the territory of being the quarterback of our High school football team. And of course naturally he's popular; his charming, but blunt personality has lead him to have girls fawning over him at all hours. [INFO DUMB THAT WE DON'T NEED, WANT, OR CARE ABOUT.] I had always of known that he loved me differently than I love him, but i didn't think that it would cause him to do this. To betray my trust in him and do this.) [That asshole. Wait. Okay, again, she can't capitalize I or care to have MS Word do it for her, AND she's got the worst attempt at suspense and ominous feelings going on there. Good job, Teenie.]

Class is about to start when suddenly a new guy is standing next to me as I'm trying to grab my books [Uh... the new guy, I bet he's sexy and caring and I bet he causes a love triangle, doesn't he? And that's what Chad gets mad about and that's the fight, and that's why he decides to pwn you with rope that isn't rope, right? I haven't even read this chapter yet, I'm just critiquing as I go. I'm getting the same surprises you are.]. Chad is blabbering about how easy the last football victory was, ignoring him[Stereotypes, much. What ever happened to original characters?]. I feel his presence and try to ignore it, this presence felt[tense switching.] different [STUNNING. Oh, I can't wait for "he's really a vampire too!!"]. I turn slightly to look at him but all he does take a glimpse at me then turn his attention intently to Chad. He started Chad up and down profusely [You can really tell where she grabbed for random "smart" words, can't you?]before looking away after a good long minute, then turned back to his looker, and closes [Adeh? The random tenses confuse my head.] it and disappears into the crowed of students [The crowded of students!] that flooded the halls.




Don't quit that day job, Teenie. The aspiring writer thing's not working out for you so great. You know those English classes in school? They weren't just there for the hell of it. They actually had a PURPOSE. A purpose that went completely over your head, apparently.

Look, it's great if you want to write. But it's like drawing. If you're bad at drawing, don't show the entire world your art and ask them to crit it. If you show your writing to the world, make a damn effort. Got it?

Thank you.