The prose from the last post. I re-wrote the beginning into something that is half decent. I didn't proof read it, I just re-wrote it into something better. Do I think it's publish-worthy? No. But it's sure as hell a better read that what it used to be.
For the record, credit still goes to the original writer.
Through some unfortunate twist of events, I never got to meet my mother or father.
The start of my life was an all-too-common story, finding me abandoned in the streets one stormy winter night, left to fend for myself on an unlit doorstep. By a miracle, the family residing in the household I laid before heard my piteous cries and brought me into their home. By that time, they’d often told me, I had almost frozen to death.
I grew up ignorant of myself. The family that had brought me into this world had left me nothing; I had not a name, not a home, not even a birthday. All I had of a life long gone was an old golden locket that my adopted parents kept “safe” in a cabinet full of other things they’d rather not lose. I’d held the locket only once, when I was about five years old (by the family’s guess). Inside, there was only an old, crumpled photo, jammed in as tight as the locket could manage. The woman pictured, we assumed, had to be my mother.
It wasn’t exactly a horrid life, growing up with that family. They fed me, clothed me, and bought me expensive things. But it was all money. I never felt that they had any compassion for me; the little time they did spend at home they spent lecturing me on work not done, or avoiding any questions I ventured to put forth. To them, life was business. You worked hard and were rewarded with wealth, and that was that.
By fifteen, I was desperate. Watching the other children at school growing up and witnessing everything from a mother hugging her child as they left for a day of class to a father clapping his son on the back for a job well done was entirely infuriating. I wanted that support and couldn’t understand why my adopted family couldn’t do something so simple as comforting me when I needed it.
The problems didn’t lessen as I aged. The one time I thought to ask about finding my real family, my adopted father had fixed me with his blunt gaze and replied, “don’t bother. They didn’t want you to begin with.”
And with that, my will broke. I didn’t want to remain in the flat, lifeless existence my life had come to be. I wanted out, anything would have been better in my mind. It was time to act. Holding that thought in my immediate conscience, I made the decision that would forever change my life.
At some point in their life, almost everyone thinks of running away. Few go through with it. I did.
That night, I packed what few things I deemed valuable enough to take with me and left my room for what I hoped would be the final time.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sometimes you just have to wonder...
... if maybe these people didn't go to school.
I don't even know what this one is about. Some girl hating her life and running away to find her real parents in Hollywood or something. That says a lot, doesn't it? You almost don't have to read it.
No, wait, you kind of do... this is a textbook, poster-child example of how NOT to write.
Title: FORGOTTEN
Prose/crit:
I never knew my mother or father [isn't that just the most original, promising opening sentences you've ever heard? Wait, no? Oh.]..... [Why is it such a hard concept for people to grasp that ellipsis have THREE DOTS. Not two. Not FIVE. Not a hundred... THREE. Plus a period if it ends a sentence.] I was left on someones[Someone's] door step[doorstep. And wow, story of EVERY orphan's life, ne? Actually, the last time I saw that... was in KUNG FU PANDA. That alone should be a hint.]! It was the time of year when blizzards come[... do you mean winter?]. Then someone took me in, noticing that I was cold and almost frozen to death [Because otherwise, people would just LEAVE a child out on a doorstep]. They fed me[Because that cures the cold]. When I was old enough to walk and talk they gave me a name, May[because BEFORE then, a name would have just been silly.]. They didn't even know my birthday. When I was 15 [Wait... if you don't know your birthday... how do you know how old you are?] I wanted to find my mother. My parents said, "No!" Why, I didn't know [Because they're selfish assholes who so clearly abused you]. They kept secrets from me that sometimes made me wonder[If they kept secrets, how did you know? Hmmm?], would a real mother keep secrets from me[Santa Clause... durh. I actually had to read that part a few times, thinking that they were questioning if the adopted mother was their real mother. This wording is so jumbled and confusing.]? I never knew my real mother so I never really knew what a mother would be like[Bullshit. I know my real mother and I know my step mother and I have other people who have at some point acted as mother figures towards me, so if I didn't know my mother I would STILL know what a mother was like. Just because they aren't your real mother doesn't mean you don't know what a mother is like. Just throwing that out there...] . All I knew was that the parents I have now were selfish [Wow, tense switching]and didn't really care about me![Nice exclamation point. They get so tiring by the end of this piece, the author uses them so much... and yes. They didn't care about the MC, that is why they saved her life and took her off the streets. That's so uncaring...want to bet the author is a spoiled brat IRL?] Well, I had enough of this! [Tenses...] I wanted to search for my mother [But not father] and I was going to do that with or without help[I would seriously slap a child in the face if they said that to me. What a bratty, spoiled mindset, hey?]. That day, December 19, 2003 [Do I care about the date? Should I? Why is it special?] I packed all the stuff I loved and needed like, [unneeded comma and bad sentence. Take out the "like" and put a colon.] laptop, iPod, clothes, snacks, and soda [Wow. That's some list. Snacks and soda... you have free access to those, but your current family sucks, yeah? And they got you a laptop and an iPod? I JUST got my first laptop not three months ago. Wow, those adopted parents are really mean... and those are essentials, yes? You don't want spare clothing, meal foods, money, water, first aide, cell phone, lighter, or any other survival crap.]. The last thing I packed was a picture in a pure gold[Do you know how soft pure gold is? Not strong enough to make jewelry out of.] heart shaped[heart-shaped] locket[How cliche...], which was left with me when I was left on the door step[Even MORE cliche. Someone grab my cliche hammer, I need to whack the author with it.]. It was of my mother [Assuming that it at some point they MEANT to mention there was a picture inside of it... wow. My head just exploded from cliche overload.]. She had long, thick hair, eyes blue as water[LOL water is clear!] and she had skin the color of maple leaves in fall. When they turn slightly brown [even more lol... maple leaves turn RED in the fall. Ever seen the Canadian flag? The color is no accident.]. I snuck [I do say this word, but I'm actually 99% sure it doesn't exist. It's "sneaked."] out of the house around 12am [does the exact time matter? Why can't you give us a visual instead? Seriously, I have no images from this writing, just a bunch of choppy sentences that make no sense and don't hold interest. A better thing to say might be "around midnight," or "in the extremely early hours of the morning.]. I followed the street for a wail [... while?]. Okay[They have overly excessive commas everywhere except for where it's needed!] I have to admit I wasn't ready for this [Aside from this terrible sentence... do you THINK? Really? What an observation.]. I didn't even know where to find her! Where she lived![DURH. That's what you get for being a brat.] I needed an address book[Chances are, if you didn't even know your own name, you don't know your parents'. An address book would/should be useless]. Wait![FOR WHAT?] I stopped [What were they doing that they stopped? Oh, following the street... for a wail...]. I placed the pack back[the last time I heard someone say "pack back" it was because my eight-year-old brother stuttered over what he was saying.] I was carrying on my back onto the ground [Or... "I put my pack down." So much more simple, effective... and easier on the reader's head.]. I opened the zipper in the front of the backpack [or "I unzipped the pack's front pouch." Why is it so hard for people to simplify crap? These don't take me any time to think of, they just pop up. It's just common communication.]. There was the photo of my mother. I felt the coldness of the gold locket[Sentence is irrelevant and unimportant and WOW would it kill the author to change sentence structure?]. I opened it[Wait, if you see the photo of the mother... wouldn't it already be opened?]. I took the photo out [The writer clearly has never had a locket before. DAMN those pictures are hard to take out and put in.].
"Oh my goodness!" I said[Golly gee gosh!]. There was writing in it. I read it [generally what you do with writing.], "I went missing years ago! [WTF?]I'm sorry little sister! [I thought it was her mother? :shreds hair out of head:.] Mother told me to put you out there in the cold![Jerk.] I hope you find this note here is my address[oh how completely convenient. It's like magic! Like it would never happen in real life. Oh, wait a sec...] ....... [Oh, and did you see what I just did there? Ellipsis. Three dots... not rocket science. Ou, there it is again.]"[Have they never seen the size of a locket? The picture is TEENY. You could NEVER write that much in one.] I stopped reading it[That's generally what people do at the end of notes, you don't need to tell us.]. I was so happy! [so HAPPY. There's going to be a paaaaaarty!] I just found the first clue![It's a fricking address, if that's a clue then your treasure hunt is OVER.] The address was from Hollywood! [wtf... so now they're movie stars?] I just knew it![Look, just because you're a spoiled bratty princess doesn't mean that your parents are completely awesome and super famous and have everything handed to them like you do.] Now how will I get there![Because when you ask a question, you end with with an exclamation mark. This is so tedious...] I realized I had no money on me![DING DING DING] How stupid can I be![Do you really want to know the answer?] Well I guess I’m going to have to sell my iPod but first I needed to rest I was tired [Tense switching and a complete "wtf" factor. And yeah, you're running away but you wanted to rest like 30 seconds after you leave. You are the worst run-awayer EVER.]. I put the [PURE]golden locket back into my backpack[But pack back!]. Then [My eight year old brother writes with more complexity than you do and his most recent story was about a fire engine with wings!]I picked up the backpack and ran![OMIGOSH IT WAS SO EXCITING THAT I NEEDED REST I BOOKED IT AND THEN ENDED IT WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK!] I knew a place I could stay! My best friend’s house named,[Oh, I found a lost comma, I believe you needed it a while back.] Chelsie [The house's name was Chelsie?]! After 10[T-E-N] minutes I was more tired [That's what happens when you run.] but there was house [Now its name is house?]. It was only 1am [Only? And uh... wow, time went fast. First there was the "wail" walking and then thirty seconds to stop and make an epic convenient discovery and then a ten minute run... where did an hour go?]. I threw a rock at Chalsie's[The house doesn't appreciate you throwing rocks at its windows, nor does it appreciate the misspelling of its name.] window. The window opened. I yelled, "Can I stay here for the night!"[PARAGRAPH BREAK, DAMMIT] "Sure, just give me a sec and I'll open the door!"[Yeah, no inquiries, just "yeah, whatever. This is all normal."] There was silent’s [I'm sorry, did you mean silence?] after she closed the window. For a few minuets I thought she went back to bed [haha it would have been so funny if she had. I woulda done it.]. But then surely enough the door opened[Surely enough! She just SAID she was going to open it you fool!]. "Hi," I said. I had nothing to say really but hi[It might have overloaded your brain.]. "Come in and I’ll let you sleep on the sofa[BUT NOT IF YOU DON'T COME IN]."[Again, lack of questions and paragraph breaks. This whole thing has been one tedious block of text with no breaks.] "Okay." She held the door open for me as I went in. "Thanks." I put my stuff down next to the sofa. "Yep, well I’m going back to bed there’s some blankets in the closet."[the? What a horrible host.] With that she went up the stairs without another word... [And the parents aren't going to find this weird or anything at all.]
I don't get how people can expect a good critique from this when they won't spell check, proof read, or even sit back and ask themselves if they just wrote something worth asking people to help them fix?
This is completely choppy and all tell, no show. Simplistic sentence structure, marred punctuation, a story line that not only SUCKS but really doesn't make any sense. It has a lot of cliche elements, no filler, no real development and no really convincing motive. One day, I'm going to take one of these and re-write them, into a good piece of literature. Maybe if I find time later today, to show that no matter the story line... if you use your head, you can make it PRETTY DECENT. It's not rocket science.
I don't even know what this one is about. Some girl hating her life and running away to find her real parents in Hollywood or something. That says a lot, doesn't it? You almost don't have to read it.
No, wait, you kind of do... this is a textbook, poster-child example of how NOT to write.
Title: FORGOTTEN
Prose/crit:
I never knew my mother or father [isn't that just the most original, promising opening sentences you've ever heard? Wait, no? Oh.]..... [Why is it such a hard concept for people to grasp that ellipsis have THREE DOTS. Not two. Not FIVE. Not a hundred... THREE. Plus a period if it ends a sentence.] I was left on someones[Someone's] door step[doorstep. And wow, story of EVERY orphan's life, ne? Actually, the last time I saw that... was in KUNG FU PANDA. That alone should be a hint.]! It was the time of year when blizzards come[... do you mean winter?]. Then someone took me in, noticing that I was cold and almost frozen to death [Because otherwise, people would just LEAVE a child out on a doorstep]. They fed me[Because that cures the cold]. When I was old enough to walk and talk they gave me a name, May[because BEFORE then, a name would have just been silly.]. They didn't even know my birthday. When I was 15 [Wait... if you don't know your birthday... how do you know how old you are?] I wanted to find my mother. My parents said, "No!" Why, I didn't know [Because they're selfish assholes who so clearly abused you]. They kept secrets from me that sometimes made me wonder[If they kept secrets, how did you know? Hmmm?], would a real mother keep secrets from me[Santa Clause... durh. I actually had to read that part a few times, thinking that they were questioning if the adopted mother was their real mother. This wording is so jumbled and confusing.]? I never knew my real mother so I never really knew what a mother would be like[Bullshit. I know my real mother and I know my step mother and I have other people who have at some point acted as mother figures towards me, so if I didn't know my mother I would STILL know what a mother was like. Just because they aren't your real mother doesn't mean you don't know what a mother is like. Just throwing that out there...] . All I knew was that the parents I have now were selfish [Wow, tense switching]and didn't really care about me![Nice exclamation point. They get so tiring by the end of this piece, the author uses them so much... and yes. They didn't care about the MC, that is why they saved her life and took her off the streets. That's so uncaring...want to bet the author is a spoiled brat IRL?] Well, I had enough of this! [Tenses...] I wanted to search for my mother [But not father] and I was going to do that with or without help[I would seriously slap a child in the face if they said that to me. What a bratty, spoiled mindset, hey?]. That day, December 19, 2003 [Do I care about the date? Should I? Why is it special?] I packed all the stuff I loved and needed like, [unneeded comma and bad sentence. Take out the "like" and put a colon.] laptop, iPod, clothes, snacks, and soda [Wow. That's some list. Snacks and soda... you have free access to those, but your current family sucks, yeah? And they got you a laptop and an iPod? I JUST got my first laptop not three months ago. Wow, those adopted parents are really mean... and those are essentials, yes? You don't want spare clothing, meal foods, money, water, first aide, cell phone, lighter, or any other survival crap.]. The last thing I packed was a picture in a pure gold[Do you know how soft pure gold is? Not strong enough to make jewelry out of.] heart shaped[heart-shaped] locket[How cliche...], which was left with me when I was left on the door step[Even MORE cliche. Someone grab my cliche hammer, I need to whack the author with it.]. It was of my mother [Assuming that it at some point they MEANT to mention there was a picture inside of it... wow. My head just exploded from cliche overload.]. She had long, thick hair, eyes blue as water[LOL water is clear!] and she had skin the color of maple leaves in fall. When they turn slightly brown [even more lol... maple leaves turn RED in the fall. Ever seen the Canadian flag? The color is no accident.]. I snuck [I do say this word, but I'm actually 99% sure it doesn't exist. It's "sneaked."] out of the house around 12am [does the exact time matter? Why can't you give us a visual instead? Seriously, I have no images from this writing, just a bunch of choppy sentences that make no sense and don't hold interest. A better thing to say might be "around midnight," or "in the extremely early hours of the morning.]. I followed the street for a wail [... while?]. Okay[They have overly excessive commas everywhere except for where it's needed!] I have to admit I wasn't ready for this [Aside from this terrible sentence... do you THINK? Really? What an observation.]. I didn't even know where to find her! Where she lived![DURH. That's what you get for being a brat.] I needed an address book[Chances are, if you didn't even know your own name, you don't know your parents'. An address book would/should be useless]. Wait![FOR WHAT?] I stopped [What were they doing that they stopped? Oh, following the street... for a wail...]. I placed the pack back[the last time I heard someone say "pack back" it was because my eight-year-old brother stuttered over what he was saying.] I was carrying on my back onto the ground [Or... "I put my pack down." So much more simple, effective... and easier on the reader's head.]. I opened the zipper in the front of the backpack [or "I unzipped the pack's front pouch." Why is it so hard for people to simplify crap? These don't take me any time to think of, they just pop up. It's just common communication.]. There was the photo of my mother. I felt the coldness of the gold locket[Sentence is irrelevant and unimportant and WOW would it kill the author to change sentence structure?]. I opened it[Wait, if you see the photo of the mother... wouldn't it already be opened?]. I took the photo out [The writer clearly has never had a locket before. DAMN those pictures are hard to take out and put in.].
"Oh my goodness!" I said[Golly gee gosh!]. There was writing in it. I read it [generally what you do with writing.], "I went missing years ago! [WTF?]I'm sorry little sister! [I thought it was her mother? :shreds hair out of head:.] Mother told me to put you out there in the cold![Jerk.] I hope you find this note here is my address[oh how completely convenient. It's like magic! Like it would never happen in real life. Oh, wait a sec...] ....... [Oh, and did you see what I just did there? Ellipsis. Three dots... not rocket science. Ou, there it is again.]"[Have they never seen the size of a locket? The picture is TEENY. You could NEVER write that much in one.] I stopped reading it[That's generally what people do at the end of notes, you don't need to tell us.]. I was so happy! [so HAPPY. There's going to be a paaaaaarty!] I just found the first clue![It's a fricking address, if that's a clue then your treasure hunt is OVER.] The address was from Hollywood! [wtf... so now they're movie stars?] I just knew it![Look, just because you're a spoiled bratty princess doesn't mean that your parents are completely awesome and super famous and have everything handed to them like you do.] Now how will I get there![Because when you ask a question, you end with with an exclamation mark. This is so tedious...] I realized I had no money on me![DING DING DING] How stupid can I be![Do you really want to know the answer?] Well I guess I’m going to have to sell my iPod but first I needed to rest I was tired [Tense switching and a complete "wtf" factor. And yeah, you're running away but you wanted to rest like 30 seconds after you leave. You are the worst run-awayer EVER.]. I put the [PURE]golden locket back into my backpack[But pack back!]. Then [My eight year old brother writes with more complexity than you do and his most recent story was about a fire engine with wings!]I picked up the backpack and ran![OMIGOSH IT WAS SO EXCITING THAT I NEEDED REST I BOOKED IT AND THEN ENDED IT WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK!] I knew a place I could stay! My best friend’s house named,[Oh, I found a lost comma, I believe you needed it a while back.] Chelsie [The house's name was Chelsie?]! After 10[T-E-N] minutes I was more tired [That's what happens when you run.] but there was house [Now its name is house?]. It was only 1am [Only? And uh... wow, time went fast. First there was the "wail" walking and then thirty seconds to stop and make an epic convenient discovery and then a ten minute run... where did an hour go?]. I threw a rock at Chalsie's[The house doesn't appreciate you throwing rocks at its windows, nor does it appreciate the misspelling of its name.] window. The window opened. I yelled, "Can I stay here for the night!"[PARAGRAPH BREAK, DAMMIT] "Sure, just give me a sec and I'll open the door!"[Yeah, no inquiries, just "yeah, whatever. This is all normal."] There was silent’s [I'm sorry, did you mean silence?] after she closed the window. For a few minuets I thought she went back to bed [haha it would have been so funny if she had. I woulda done it.]. But then surely enough the door opened[Surely enough! She just SAID she was going to open it you fool!]. "Hi," I said. I had nothing to say really but hi[It might have overloaded your brain.]. "Come in and I’ll let you sleep on the sofa[BUT NOT IF YOU DON'T COME IN]."[Again, lack of questions and paragraph breaks. This whole thing has been one tedious block of text with no breaks.] "Okay." She held the door open for me as I went in. "Thanks." I put my stuff down next to the sofa. "Yep, well I’m going back to bed there’s some blankets in the closet."[the? What a horrible host.] With that she went up the stairs without another word... [And the parents aren't going to find this weird or anything at all.]
I don't get how people can expect a good critique from this when they won't spell check, proof read, or even sit back and ask themselves if they just wrote something worth asking people to help them fix?
This is completely choppy and all tell, no show. Simplistic sentence structure, marred punctuation, a story line that not only SUCKS but really doesn't make any sense. It has a lot of cliche elements, no filler, no real development and no really convincing motive. One day, I'm going to take one of these and re-write them, into a good piece of literature. Maybe if I find time later today, to show that no matter the story line... if you use your head, you can make it PRETTY DECENT. It's not rocket science.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I won't torture you with the WHOLE of this one.
Because it's so painful I only critiqued the first paragraph and didn't even READ the rest of it. I will not torture myself into critiquing more and I will thus not bestow that pain unto any of you.
Here goes. It's pretty self-explanatory.
Prose:
""Hey Yukio [Strike one... Japanese name. Seriously. So over-done it makes my head spin. People have to realize that other countries exist besides the USA and Japan...], don't you need to head to class soon?" asked a boy with shoulder length [shoulder-length is hyphenated.] purple gray [purple-grey] hair[WHY do hair colors always have to be stupid? What's wrong with brown? Red? Black? Blond? Come on], who stood at five foot eleven inches, as he walked up the stairs to his room [And did he only stand at 5'11" when he walked up stairs? Try to keep your sentences to one focus... that's the point of a sentence]. He had his right eyebrow pierced, as well as his tongue [do we need this information?]. He was dressed in a black long sleeved [long-sleeved] shirt that was ripped at the shoulders, and on the ends of the sleeves. [Tedious info-dump... you don't just up and dump a load of visuals on us when you write... you introduce them as the story goes on, as the information becomes needed.]His pants were black and white striped with two belts; the first a thick studded one, and the other a thin pink one [Waaaaaaay too much info. Way too much]. He stood in the doorway looking at his twin brother ..., with his golden purple speckled eyes [And an "unusual" eye-color too? Do you know how many times this has been done? Many... many... many... times. So many times that it makes my head spin. It's no longer original, nor is it cool]. He waited on him to answer him[ very confusing wording], though he was confident that what he said was true, because Yukio was busy gathering his things up and quickly putting them in his bag. Kaori, the boy speaking to Yukio, [This we assume is truth, you don't need to say it. And again... generic Japanese names.] crossed his arms smugly."
It's something that's been done a billion times over. It's a big info-dump of trying to make your character look overly cool. Stupid eye and hair colors are completely over-done, so are Jap names.
Again... more places exist than the USA and Japan. Please start using them.
Here goes. It's pretty self-explanatory.
Prose:
""Hey Yukio [Strike one... Japanese name. Seriously. So over-done it makes my head spin. People have to realize that other countries exist besides the USA and Japan...], don't you need to head to class soon?" asked a boy with shoulder length [shoulder-length is hyphenated.] purple gray [purple-grey] hair[WHY do hair colors always have to be stupid? What's wrong with brown? Red? Black? Blond? Come on], who stood at five foot eleven inches, as he walked up the stairs to his room [And did he only stand at 5'11" when he walked up stairs? Try to keep your sentences to one focus... that's the point of a sentence]. He had his right eyebrow pierced, as well as his tongue [do we need this information?]. He was dressed in a black long sleeved [long-sleeved] shirt that was ripped at the shoulders, and on the ends of the sleeves. [Tedious info-dump... you don't just up and dump a load of visuals on us when you write... you introduce them as the story goes on, as the information becomes needed.]His pants were black and white striped with two belts; the first a thick studded one, and the other a thin pink one [Waaaaaaay too much info. Way too much]. He stood in the doorway looking at his twin brother ..., with his golden purple speckled eyes [And an "unusual" eye-color too? Do you know how many times this has been done? Many... many... many... times. So many times that it makes my head spin. It's no longer original, nor is it cool]. He waited on him to answer him[ very confusing wording], though he was confident that what he said was true, because Yukio was busy gathering his things up and quickly putting them in his bag. Kaori, the boy speaking to Yukio, [This we assume is truth, you don't need to say it. And again... generic Japanese names.] crossed his arms smugly."
It's something that's been done a billion times over. It's a big info-dump of trying to make your character look overly cool. Stupid eye and hair colors are completely over-done, so are Jap names.
Again... more places exist than the USA and Japan. Please start using them.
Since anyone who reads this blog is a writer...
Hello. I do not believe you know much about me. Besides being anal about the written word, I am completely and irreversibly a horse freak. I love them with everything I've got and in fact, a horse trainer is my first career of choice.
As such, I am also actively involved in horse rescue. Today's post is not about some idiot who cannot write, but rather some idiot who apparently has no compassion for any living creature. I am copying/pasting something I've been posting all over the internet. It's a plea for help. I would like any readers of this blog to please read the following and write a formal letter to the people I will give you an address to.
Copy/Paste:
I would like to introduce to you a "man" named Cleve Wells. A "horse trainer."
Cleve was recently smacked in the face by one of his clients when they showed up unannounced to check on their horse, to see how he was doing.
This is important, people! If these people had not done this THEIR HORSE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE DEAD RIGHT NOW! If you send your horse away for training, GO CHECK ON THEM UNANNOUNCED. If the trainer won't allow it, they are the wrong trainer for you. Period.
At any rate, the owners came to the barn to discover their horse had been disgustingly abused. His nose had lacerations on it, his jaw was HORRIDLY broken (the vet had to remove a two inch and a two and an a half inch chunk of bone), and his sides had been raked with spurs until they split and bled (which take a lot of force, horse hide is thick).
He claims that a worker of his was responsible but that is irrelevant. The horse was in HIS care, under HIS name, entrusted to HIM and spending time at HIS barn. These wounds were oozing with infection when the horse was discovered, meaning the horse had been that way for days and probably (most likely) weeks, meaning that Cleve has no excuse. A vet wasn't even called. Whether he physically did it himself or not, he is still responsible for what happened and the charge is on him.
These owners did the right thing. They documented it and pressed charges.
FHotD blog here (graphic pictures): http://fuglyhorseoftheday.blogspot.com/2009/01/big-names-behaving-badly.html
News article here: http://gohorseshow.com/article.cfm?articleID=23415
Well, now the court wants to drop the case. Cleve will most likely walk away from this without so much as a kick in the ass. We can't let this happen, because we KNOW where this will end up! He'll be back out and abusing and KILLING horses once more. Yes. He's killed horses.
You can YouTube his videos (search Cleve Wells) where you see him instructing people to knock their horse in the head, pull up on their face, and rake them with spurs whether they need it or not. He has always been notorious for being rough with his horses in the public eye, so can you IMAGINE what goes on behind closed doors? My guess is that this poor AQHA horse is only the tip of the iceberg.
Of course, after the owners reported Cleve people became emboldened and came forward with their own stories of abuse relating to him... which isn't as good as it should be. The abuse should have been reported IMMEDIATELY. But at least it's out in the open now.
Now. We need your help.
I need letters sent. Dozens and dozens of letters.
These need to be CALM, RATIONAL, and EDUCATED. They cannot be full of profanity, they cannot go on mindless rants about what a douche bag Cleve is (chose nicer words for the term "douche bag" at least... LOL), the cannot in ANY WAY insult the addressee.
Make a firm, forward point as to why animal abuse like this should be punished and present a very strong argument as to why Cleve should be tried, fined, and put behind bars.
The more people who do this, the better. EVERY SINGLE LETTER COUNTS. People from all over the US and Canada are agreeing to write, but the more letters we have, the more chance we've got of getting this waste of skin behind bars.
If you are worried about presenting yourself well, I am willing to proof read any letter you may want me to. You do NOT need to be obsessed with animals in any way. You don't even need to like them very much to know that THIS IS WRONG. Please, no matter how much you do or don't like animals, write these people a letter and get them to come around.
It might save some lives.
Contact information is:
District Attorney
Honorable Dale Hanna
Phone: (817) 556-6802
Fax: (817) 556-6816
Write to:
Guinn Justice Center
204 S. Buffalo Ave Room: 209
Cleburne, Texas 76033
If you have any doubt about this person, look no farther than his website.
http://www.clevewells.com/
Look on the tack for sale. You will see some of the HARSHEST bits and spurs available. Nothing but rowels and Cathedral bits.
In my ever-strong opinion, I have always, ALWAYS said that a cathedral bit is a bit that does not belong in the mouth of a horse. It has extremely long shanks and a huge, high port which can lay waste to the inside of a horse's mouth in seconds.
The roweled spurs are stupidly harsh, and in my opinion NO HORSE NEEDS SPURS THAT HARSH. Ever. Period. End of story. I, myself, have never used spurs at all. I've never needed them... not even with leg-dead, cue-dead, bomb-proofed, wont-run-if-a-cougar-bit-its-ass trail string horses.
What a waste of space.
PLEASE COPY THIS NOTE AND RE-POST IT, SEND IT OUT IN E-MAILS, WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SPREAD THE WORD AND GET THIS MAN BEHIND BARS. PLEASE, PLEASE.
As such, I am also actively involved in horse rescue. Today's post is not about some idiot who cannot write, but rather some idiot who apparently has no compassion for any living creature. I am copying/pasting something I've been posting all over the internet. It's a plea for help. I would like any readers of this blog to please read the following and write a formal letter to the people I will give you an address to.
Copy/Paste:
I would like to introduce to you a "man" named Cleve Wells. A "horse trainer."
Cleve was recently smacked in the face by one of his clients when they showed up unannounced to check on their horse, to see how he was doing.
This is important, people! If these people had not done this THEIR HORSE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE DEAD RIGHT NOW! If you send your horse away for training, GO CHECK ON THEM UNANNOUNCED. If the trainer won't allow it, they are the wrong trainer for you. Period.
At any rate, the owners came to the barn to discover their horse had been disgustingly abused. His nose had lacerations on it, his jaw was HORRIDLY broken (the vet had to remove a two inch and a two and an a half inch chunk of bone), and his sides had been raked with spurs until they split and bled (which take a lot of force, horse hide is thick).
He claims that a worker of his was responsible but that is irrelevant. The horse was in HIS care, under HIS name, entrusted to HIM and spending time at HIS barn. These wounds were oozing with infection when the horse was discovered, meaning the horse had been that way for days and probably (most likely) weeks, meaning that Cleve has no excuse. A vet wasn't even called. Whether he physically did it himself or not, he is still responsible for what happened and the charge is on him.
These owners did the right thing. They documented it and pressed charges.
FHotD blog here (graphic pictures): http://fuglyhorseoftheday.
News article here: http://gohorseshow.com/art
Well, now the court wants to drop the case. Cleve will most likely walk away from this without so much as a kick in the ass. We can't let this happen, because we KNOW where this will end up! He'll be back out and abusing and KILLING horses once more. Yes. He's killed horses.
You can YouTube his videos (search Cleve Wells) where you see him instructing people to knock their horse in the head, pull up on their face, and rake them with spurs whether they need it or not. He has always been notorious for being rough with his horses in the public eye, so can you IMAGINE what goes on behind closed doors? My guess is that this poor AQHA horse is only the tip of the iceberg.
Of course, after the owners reported Cleve people became emboldened and came forward with their own stories of abuse relating to him... which isn't as good as it should be. The abuse should have been reported IMMEDIATELY. But at least it's out in the open now.
Now. We need your help.
I need letters sent. Dozens and dozens of letters.
These need to be CALM, RATIONAL, and EDUCATED. They cannot be full of profanity, they cannot go on mindless rants about what a douche bag Cleve is (chose nicer words for the term "douche bag" at least... LOL), the cannot in ANY WAY insult the addressee.
Make a firm, forward point as to why animal abuse like this should be punished and present a very strong argument as to why Cleve should be tried, fined, and put behind bars.
The more people who do this, the better. EVERY SINGLE LETTER COUNTS. People from all over the US and Canada are agreeing to write, but the more letters we have, the more chance we've got of getting this waste of skin behind bars.
If you are worried about presenting yourself well, I am willing to proof read any letter you may want me to. You do NOT need to be obsessed with animals in any way. You don't even need to like them very much to know that THIS IS WRONG. Please, no matter how much you do or don't like animals, write these people a letter and get them to come around.
It might save some lives.
Contact information is:
District Attorney
Honorable Dale Hanna
Phone: (817) 556-6802
Fax: (817) 556-6816
Write to:
Guinn Justice Center
204 S. Buffalo Ave Room: 209
Cleburne, Texas 76033
If you have any doubt about this person, look no farther than his website.
http://www.clevewells.com/
Look on the tack for sale. You will see some of the HARSHEST bits and spurs available. Nothing but rowels and Cathedral bits.
In my ever-strong opinion, I have always, ALWAYS said that a cathedral bit is a bit that does not belong in the mouth of a horse. It has extremely long shanks and a huge, high port which can lay waste to the inside of a horse's mouth in seconds.
The roweled spurs are stupidly harsh, and in my opinion NO HORSE NEEDS SPURS THAT HARSH. Ever. Period. End of story. I, myself, have never used spurs at all. I've never needed them... not even with leg-dead, cue-dead, bomb-proofed, wont-run-if-a-cougar-bit-i
What a waste of space.
PLEASE COPY THIS NOTE AND RE-POST IT, SEND IT OUT IN E-MAILS, WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SPREAD THE WORD AND GET THIS MAN BEHIND BARS. PLEASE, PLEASE.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Just because you make fun of the idiots doesn't make you better than them...
If you're going to do it, do so in a slightly intelligent manner. Maybe with a touch of real humor? You have to somehow prove that you are smarter than the idiot. You must be SMARTER than the average illiterate angsty emo child who has nothing better to do than write about vampires on the shredded scraps of his blackened heart.
Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.
THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.
He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.
Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.
Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.
Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".
The End."
Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.
THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.
He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.
Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.
Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.
Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".
The End."
When in doubt, try to pity grab.
This is so dumb. It's written like a shopping list of angst and thrown out for the world to critique. I know people want to be cool and all but since when did the writing world become all about trying to be "deep" through being "dark and depressing." Seriously. It's hard to find a MC these days that doesn't have a devastating background that normally involves one or both parents dying. Extra points for brutal murder, extra extra points for witnessing said brutal murder. Either that or they witnessed a death or had their home burned down or someone tired to kill him, WHATEVER.
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Flesh it out? I'm too cool to flesh out!
So we have a confident reader who thinks they're hot stuff, but wants to know what they're"lacking." They are actually lacking a story. They just write stuff down until they get bored and then skip ahead to the next event that interests them without elaborating on ANYTHING. It was like stabbing a needle through my eye.
Here's what she has to say.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
Here's what she has to say.
"When I post my stories people love them, but I am beginning to think i am missing something
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
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