Flesh it out? I'm too cool to flesh out!

So we have a confident reader who thinks they're hot stuff, but wants to know what they're"lacking." They are actually lacking a story. They just write stuff down until they get bored and then skip ahead to the next event that interests them without elaborating on ANYTHING. It was like stabbing a needle through my eye.

Here's what she has to say.

"When I post my stories people love them, but I am beginning to think i am missing something
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"

This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.

Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.




Prose:

Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.

Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.

When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.

My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.

(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."

What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.

I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.

Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.

[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."

Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.

All those years, and now i have her.

"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."





My critique:

Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]

Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].

When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].

My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].

(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."

[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]

What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]

I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]

Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]

[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]

Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]

All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]

"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."



Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.

Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.

And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.