Seeing as I seen to have thus far only picked on female writers, we can show that it's not just them trying to be dark, mysterious, and completely awesome. This one was very short, so I ended up critiquing it in the guy's topic, so I'll just copy/paste what I wrote to him.
Topic:
Death
Prose:
She ran through the night [Why everyone needs to start their story off this way I'll never know...].The foot steps [footsteps*] coming [were coming*]she did not know where she was all she knew was she had to keep going [So confusing, lacking in punctuation, and just so random... no structure or thought whatsoever, of course.], the church, she thought so she ran to it,[Part of the sentence with absolutely no pause or emotion, switching into a run-on sentence. You're telling, not showing, and doing so in a big run-on sentence, giving us the readers a big headache.] in her bleached white robe [Cliche.], her long golden hair her bare feat [feet... you know, spell check and proof reading are your friends.]all seemed to leave her behind as she flew on fear [what a tedious sentence. I think you need to go back and proof read and fix it up so that it's presentable. And grammatically correct.]. There it was, the lights of fire blazing the holy music ringing but the foot steps were closer or were they hoves [hooves? Feet and hooves sound completely different, and why the shit would they be hooves? How confusing...] I it didn't matter.
"Father i nead to releive my..."said an inercent [Said a what?]
An ear crippling bone cerdiling [curdling? By the way, bones don't curdle. Blood does.]scream. [And a fragmented sentence!]
I suggest proof reading stuff before posting it for the internet to see.
And there you have it. I really have no further comments other than to say I think he had a cliche image in his head and had to show the world... as if we haven't seen this crap before.
Where are you, originality?
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