Here's a hint...

You're going to get people with a more positive attitude toward critiquing your story when the topic title for critique has some English skills in it. I clicked on a particularly horrid title expecting something that would make day much more amusing, and dear lord was I right!


Topic title:

plz review and critisize


Prose:

I'm in a dark room with no windows and a course wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope, but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope.It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope but somehow i can't get out of the chair, because if it were just a rope I could. I forget how i got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not.The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am? And with all this power how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope!I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone? Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley; shit! i know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, does she know I'm in here world, does she know I'm here? AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!?




Comments, criticism, edits:

The only way I can really up and show my complete amusement with this bit of wonder is to paste the story again and rip it up. Here goes!

I'm in a dark room with no windows [Is this not how every single "I-am-trying-my-hardest-to-be-amazingly-cool piece of prose starts out?] and a course [they mean "coarse?"] wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked [If my ever-short memory serves me right, is the MC not tied to a chair they cannot "escape" from? How on earth were they able to test the door? Or was it a prison door made from idiots where they put a visible latch on the inside?]. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope [in a speshul, emotional link? How come no one knows how to use a thesaurus anymore? I may not be able to pronounce it, but...], but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope [translation: I like to ramble in redundant sentences and make myself look badass. That's right. I'm better than JUST A ROPE which is indeed just a rope! Take that rope that is rope!].[Severe lack of space after period/before sentence, lacking basic grammar skills or just lacking the thought that maybe a spell check would be nice?]It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope [Like a speshul magik rope? I don't know any rope that tugs and pulls. I know people who can tug and pull on ropes, but where you come from rope must be simply magical.] but somehow i [... okay, before putting your stuff on the internet, you think you could do something as simple and capitalizing the word "I." I mean... MS Word does it FOR YOU.]can't get out of the chair,[you're tied to a chair, that's the somehow.] because if it were just a rope I could [Yes, you've said that already... thrice. How hard are you trying to make the character a badass rope-ass-kicking bucket of win?]. I forget how i [See, it's not just a one-time mistake! THE SHIFT KEY IS YOUR FRIEND]got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not[yadda yadda... wait, what? Holy run-on sentence and random subjects Batman! How many times does it take to read that sentence to decipher its meaning? Bets, anyone? 5? --Thousand? What part of you reads that and thinks "hmm, I should ask another person to crit it for me, it seems like a good thing to put through other people's skulls?"].The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore [My best friend who isn't a friend, we had a fight. Besides the random tense change with the "wasn't," we have a confusing "my best friend is not a friend" idea which would have gone down better as "my former best friend." How hard was that?]. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret[When I was watching the movie Pulse with my friends, we had the subtitles on for humorous value. This is where I see the bold words "OMINOUS MUSIC" pop up on the screen, and I can't help but laugh.]? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am [So again with the overwhelming wordiness And the ever-ominous, ever-HARDCORE COOL "I am something mysterious yet AWESOME"]? And with all this power ["And unspeakably POWERFUL"] how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope![I'm too cool to get pwnd by a rope! Also notice the severe lack of space here between period and start of sentence... AGAIN.]I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone?[Whut, you're amazingly powerful and awesome but you better haul ass if you're going to miss curfew. Man, my parents are going to be PISSED. This is the third time I've been knocked out and strung up for my amazing magical powers this week! I am soooo grounded.] Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley[What a combination!]; shit! i [introducing the double-whammy of failing to capitalize "I" and at the beginning of a sentence!] know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, [And you just know she's royalty too.] does she know I'm in here world [Proof-reading is your FRIEND. "I'm in here, world!"], does she know I'm here? [You know, readers get tired of reading the same things over and over and over and over... from different writers. You just keep tossing it out to us IN THE SAME SENTENCE. "Does she know I'm in this world, does she know I'm here?" Come on.] AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!? [BECAUSE YOU'RE SULKING OVER THE FACT THAT YOU GOT MISERABLY OWNED BY ROPE (that can't be rope because it isn't rope because the MC is too awesome for rope... by the way).]


By the way, the vast majority of stuff I pick on is people who try to make their characters overly badass and cool, which means a lot of fantasy and vampire prose. Brace yourselves!

And here's a little bit of "awesomeness" I picked up from the user's profile:

"I'm [SN removed]but u can call me teen or my real name [name removed].....
I don't give a shit bout wat u think of me...
my friends are treasured me enimies are valuable.......
if ur a bitch i'm a bitch...
if ur nice i'll be nice....
i'm an aspiring writer and i love to draw and do pictures....
i'm big on style so i am always up to criticism."

Well "Teen," you may want to work on basic knowledge of the English language before you go around telling the webbernets that you are an... "aspiring writer." Normally when people tell others that, they try to do so in a way that does not look like their works are found in the contents of long text messages via the latest flip-phone.

Better luck next time, Teenie.