I won't torture you with the WHOLE of this one.

Because it's so painful I only critiqued the first paragraph and didn't even READ the rest of it. I will not torture myself into critiquing more and I will thus not bestow that pain unto any of you.

Here goes. It's pretty self-explanatory.


Prose:


""Hey Yukio [Strike one... Japanese name. Seriously. So over-done it makes my head spin. People have to realize that other countries exist besides the USA and Japan...], don't you need to head to class soon?" asked a boy with shoulder length [shoulder-length is hyphenated.] purple gray [purple-grey] hair[WHY do hair colors always have to be stupid? What's wrong with brown? Red? Black? Blond? Come on], who stood at five foot eleven inches, as he walked up the stairs to his room [And did he only stand at 5'11" when he walked up stairs? Try to keep your sentences to one focus... that's the point of a sentence]. He had his right eyebrow pierced, as well as his tongue [do we need this information?]. He was dressed in a black long sleeved [long-sleeved] shirt that was ripped at the shoulders, and on the ends of the sleeves. [Tedious info-dump... you don't just up and dump a load of visuals on us when you write... you introduce them as the story goes on, as the information becomes needed.]His pants were black and white striped with two belts; the first a thick studded one, and the other a thin pink one [Waaaaaaay too much info. Way too much]. He stood in the doorway looking at his twin brother ..., with his golden purple speckled eyes [And an "unusual" eye-color too? Do you know how many times this has been done? Many... many... many... times. So many times that it makes my head spin. It's no longer original, nor is it cool]. He waited on him to answer him[ very confusing wording], though he was confident that what he said was true, because Yukio was busy gathering his things up and quickly putting them in his bag. Kaori, the boy speaking to Yukio, [This we assume is truth, you don't need to say it. And again... generic Japanese names.] crossed his arms smugly."


It's something that's been done a billion times over. It's a big info-dump of trying to make your character look overly cool. Stupid eye and hair colors are completely over-done, so are Jap names.

Again... more places exist than the USA and Japan. Please start using them.