If you're going to do it, do so in a slightly intelligent manner. Maybe with a touch of real humor? You have to somehow prove that you are smarter than the idiot. You must be SMARTER than the average illiterate angsty emo child who has nothing better to do than write about vampires on the shredded scraps of his blackened heart.
Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.
THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.
He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.
Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.
Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.
Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".
The End."
Friday, January 30, 2009
When in doubt, try to pity grab.
This is so dumb. It's written like a shopping list of angst and thrown out for the world to critique. I know people want to be cool and all but since when did the writing world become all about trying to be "deep" through being "dark and depressing." Seriously. It's hard to find a MC these days that doesn't have a devastating background that normally involves one or both parents dying. Extra points for brutal murder, extra extra points for witnessing said brutal murder. Either that or they witnessed a death or had their home burned down or someone tired to kill him, WHATEVER.
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Flesh it out? I'm too cool to flesh out!
So we have a confident reader who thinks they're hot stuff, but wants to know what they're"lacking." They are actually lacking a story. They just write stuff down until they get bored and then skip ahead to the next event that interests them without elaborating on ANYTHING. It was like stabbing a needle through my eye.
Here's what she has to say.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
Here's what she has to say.
"When I post my stories people love them, but I am beginning to think i am missing something
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Technical knowledge is only half the story...
You can have the world's best grammar and spelling skills and still make a crappy story. Today's feature proves just that. Her grammar isn't spot-on, but she appears to have at least run the thing through a spell-checker and stayed awake during English class... yet her story still isn't good.
It's because it reflects things we have read and watched in movies about a hundred THOUSAND times over. It's typical yet it's supposed to portray an urgent, panicked feeling. We can't feel the emotion because we're reading it with blank minds because... hey, it's been done over and over... and over.
Because she took the time to at least use decent technical skills, I wrote her some feedback about what is so damn typical about her prologue in hopes that she could steer the story in an opposite direction.
In making it more interesting, the writer's main faults here are bland, boring sentence structure, cliche story line/setting/character use, and using the character's name WAY TOO MUCH.
Prose:
Christine ran through the forest, her feet pierced by tiny rocks as she ran. Christine dared to look back only to find the glowing red eyes growing closer, she tried to pick up speed but she was already at her limit. The pain in her side was growing and the air inside her lungs were burning, she knew the moment she stared into his eyes she wasn’t going to see the light of day again.
Christine tripped over a root from a tree and fell face first into a puddle of thick brown mud, she tried to get up and start running again but it was too late he had already caught up and was going to make her assumption reality. He grabbed her by her long red hair that was caked in mud and leaves; he lifted her head so she was staring into his glowing blood red eyes. Christine was paralyzed by fear; she stopped fighting and her entire body went limp. She couldn’t move she just laid there and watched as his face morphed into some sort of deformed human, his eyes appeared even more red and his teeth grew longer and sharper; his cheek bones were getting bigger and sharper and what appeared to be tribal marks started to appeared on his forehead.
When the transformation stopped he didn’t appear human anymore. With one quick jab he pierced Christine’s chest with his hand that had grown a set of razor sharp claws. Christine felt the sharp pain growing in her chest but she couldn’t move, all she could do was lay there and wait for it all to be over.
The monster stared Christine right in the eye as he watched the life slowly fade from her eyes, when the monster was sure she was dead he took out a knife with the same kind of marking on his forehead and slowly put in into the fatal wound he had inflicted with only his hand. When he pulled the knife out it was glowing red and was absorbing the blood it had picked up in the wound, the knife then let out a blast of light and returned to normal. The monster almost look human now if it weren’t for the blood red eyes, he put the knife back in his pocket and walked away into the darkness of night on the prowl for his next victim.
My critique to her:
Well here's the thing.
It's nothing we haven't read before. A few of the things:
1. The opening sentence. I could probably link you to a good 20 other topics where the prose starts off in this manner. A girl running. I could link you to even more that just starts off, right in the first sentence, with the focus of the section (or the whole story) running. Usually in a panic, usually with someone pursuing them. Granted, you could make this into a good start if it was a clear, original story or if it was a not-so-typical reason for running (ie, say they were in the middle of a race or chasing after a dog... or, even chasing after someone else!) but sadly it's not.
2. The "glowing red eyes." It's been done so many times it's near impossible to take anything like that in seriousness. Again, they can be used if it's in an original way but sadly it's not.
3. Trip over a tree root, land in a puddle. There's so many different ways for someone to fall but they always seem to do so over a tree root (I've gone running through a forest! You're more likely to trip over a bump in the ground than a tree root...) and of course there's always the troublesome puddle there. And why is everyone who is running in these stories such a clutz, anyways? They always, without fail, trip! I know if I were running in a panic, I'd be watching where I step because there's no way I'm going to find myself face-down on the ground while some creeper catches up with me! Anyways...
It's just not something I'd take the time to read into more, you know? Because I already, apparently, have read many things just like it. That's all. I mean, you're not a bad WRITER. Your grammar isn't horrible and nothing made my gauge my eyes out. You clearly at least spell checked, but that's only half of good writing.
Good luck.
It's because it reflects things we have read and watched in movies about a hundred THOUSAND times over. It's typical yet it's supposed to portray an urgent, panicked feeling. We can't feel the emotion because we're reading it with blank minds because... hey, it's been done over and over... and over.
Because she took the time to at least use decent technical skills, I wrote her some feedback about what is so damn typical about her prologue in hopes that she could steer the story in an opposite direction.
In making it more interesting, the writer's main faults here are bland, boring sentence structure, cliche story line/setting/character use, and using the character's name WAY TOO MUCH.
Prose:
Christine ran through the forest, her feet pierced by tiny rocks as she ran. Christine dared to look back only to find the glowing red eyes growing closer, she tried to pick up speed but she was already at her limit. The pain in her side was growing and the air inside her lungs were burning, she knew the moment she stared into his eyes she wasn’t going to see the light of day again.
Christine tripped over a root from a tree and fell face first into a puddle of thick brown mud, she tried to get up and start running again but it was too late he had already caught up and was going to make her assumption reality. He grabbed her by her long red hair that was caked in mud and leaves; he lifted her head so she was staring into his glowing blood red eyes. Christine was paralyzed by fear; she stopped fighting and her entire body went limp. She couldn’t move she just laid there and watched as his face morphed into some sort of deformed human, his eyes appeared even more red and his teeth grew longer and sharper; his cheek bones were getting bigger and sharper and what appeared to be tribal marks started to appeared on his forehead.
When the transformation stopped he didn’t appear human anymore. With one quick jab he pierced Christine’s chest with his hand that had grown a set of razor sharp claws. Christine felt the sharp pain growing in her chest but she couldn’t move, all she could do was lay there and wait for it all to be over.
The monster stared Christine right in the eye as he watched the life slowly fade from her eyes, when the monster was sure she was dead he took out a knife with the same kind of marking on his forehead and slowly put in into the fatal wound he had inflicted with only his hand. When he pulled the knife out it was glowing red and was absorbing the blood it had picked up in the wound, the knife then let out a blast of light and returned to normal. The monster almost look human now if it weren’t for the blood red eyes, he put the knife back in his pocket and walked away into the darkness of night on the prowl for his next victim.
My critique to her:
Well here's the thing.
It's nothing we haven't read before. A few of the things:
1. The opening sentence. I could probably link you to a good 20 other topics where the prose starts off in this manner. A girl running. I could link you to even more that just starts off, right in the first sentence, with the focus of the section (or the whole story) running. Usually in a panic, usually with someone pursuing them. Granted, you could make this into a good start if it was a clear, original story or if it was a not-so-typical reason for running (ie, say they were in the middle of a race or chasing after a dog... or, even chasing after someone else!) but sadly it's not.
2. The "glowing red eyes." It's been done so many times it's near impossible to take anything like that in seriousness. Again, they can be used if it's in an original way but sadly it's not.
3. Trip over a tree root, land in a puddle. There's so many different ways for someone to fall but they always seem to do so over a tree root (I've gone running through a forest! You're more likely to trip over a bump in the ground than a tree root...) and of course there's always the troublesome puddle there. And why is everyone who is running in these stories such a clutz, anyways? They always, without fail, trip! I know if I were running in a panic, I'd be watching where I step because there's no way I'm going to find myself face-down on the ground while some creeper catches up with me! Anyways...
It's just not something I'd take the time to read into more, you know? Because I already, apparently, have read many things just like it. That's all. I mean, you're not a bad WRITER. Your grammar isn't horrible and nothing made my gauge my eyes out. You clearly at least spell checked, but that's only half of good writing.
Good luck.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What makes a good story?
So in the midst of all this crap I've posted, whoever might be reading this is probably thinking to themselves, "what does this woman need to impress her?" It's surprisingly not a lot. If you're reading this for tips on how not to write, good on you! There's a bunch you'll find. Now, here's a few tips on how to write, what will grab my interest and impress me.
1. A good opening
Nothing makes me turn away from a story more than if the opening is flat, lame, typical, or boring. Some typical openings can be done well, but more often than not they are crap. The really bad ones draw me in because I have a sadistic want to see just how hilariously bad the prose gets, but for the most part I will not read your story if it does not draw me in. I will scan through it, give you a few remarks that most likely involve the two sentences I did read, and I'll be on my way.
A good opening is something that's going to grab a person's attention. And not in a negative way. Not in a way that has been done over and over. Some over-done openings are:
a) Crying: "Her shoulders hunched forward as she sobbed bitterly."
b) Graveyards: "He stood at the tombstone, fists clenched and arms shaking."
c) Storms: "Lightning flashed the cross the sky in a mournful display, displaying the darkness of the world."
d) Death: "What is death?" (that opening sentence kills me inside every time I see it. And I see it a lot.)
e) Sucky life: "Life is nothing but a dark void."
f) battlefield: "Death spread out before me, mangle bodies spread across the ground."
g) Running: "His feet pounded across the ground as he ran desperately from the ominous figure."
h) Suicidal: "I don't want to live anymore."
Don't get me wrong. Done right, in an original way, emotion, or context, any of these intros can be a good intro. My own novel starts off with a thunder storm... but it's not for depressing effect. The point of it is that it's annoying the shit out of my MC. That is something you don't expect when someone talks about a thunder storm, therefore making it a more original opening.
Besides an original and interesting opening, you want something someone WANTS to read. That means special attention to grammar and sentence structure. For the first three or four sentences you want to have nit-picked over every sentence, clause, idea, and WORD. Pick your wording carefully and be sure that you haven't made any mistakes. If I see an opening that is well-worded and interesting to read, I am overly happy and I can proceed as if I was actually reading a story... not nit-picking at someone's hunk of prose. That's how you can tell if I like what you've written; I will read it through first, and then I will go back and critique. If I don't like it, I crit as I read. And THEN I just get more and more annoyed as I go along.
If I really don't like it, I put it on this blog.
2. A moving story line.
This is the next important thing. If you have a great intro but your story line is crap, well that intro only got the reader so far. This means that your story has a point. Everything you say must have some sort of meaning, everything you say must in some way help the story. If suddenly you go off rambling about something that we neither need to know or care about, you've lost the reader.
This also means that you should not stop at random times to give us an info dump. Describing an entire person's appearance in one paragraph (describing hair and eye color, clothes, height, etc, etc all in one go...) is tedious and halting to the story. Same with history-dumping. We don't need to know the MC's life story all in one go. Keep it moving forward and throw in details here and there.
For example, instead of this:
"She wore a floor-length black dress, gold earrings, and a beautiful silver necklace. Her hair was brown and her eyes were green, and she looked to be about twenty years old."
Try this:
"As she approached me, a floor-length dress whipped at her feet, its black folds seeming to absorb the light. I found myself lost for words as she extended her hand in greeting, bearing into my soul with her intense green eyes, sparkling like the golden earrings at her lobes. We exchanged greetings briefly before she launched into active conversation that seemed to occupy the lives of women her age."
And so on and so forth, just adding the details as you go along in the story. This keeps the story moving and creates more of an image.
3. Show, don't tell.
I can't stress this enough. I don't want to know point-for-point what is happening, I want to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, FEEL point-for-point what is happening. Pay attention to all of the senses and use careful wording, painting a picture in the reader's mind.
Instead of:
"He crossed the street and entered the store"
Try:
"He hurried across the busy streets and ducked into the coffee shop."
Much more descriptive, better word choice, and it paints a better, more personal image. That's all I have to say on that.
5. Spell check.
MS Word spell checks, Firefox spell checks... there is NO REASON to not spell check! It's not rocket science, and that is why this point is short. If you are too lazy to check your spelling, I will be too lazy to read your story.
6. Proof read.
A little harder than spell checking, but also not rocket science. Type up your prose, and then (this is important) leave it alone for a day or two. Come back to it. Read it over and make edits to any mistakes you see. Change up some wording to make your story appeal to you more, and see if you like it from a different perspective than if you had just written it.
Go over it with a fine-toothed comb, pick out any grammar problems you see and ask yourself if someone else would enjoy it. If you do this much, I am OVERLY impressed and would be more than happy to help you out the rest of the way. I don't expect everyone to be a grammar nut, and if you actually tried to proof read I can tell and would be more than willing to point out where you're still having trouble and give you a proper explanation on certain grammatical rules.
7. Read up on cliches
It sounds dumb, but if you Google cliches, you get plenty of sites that will help you figure out if your story is original or if you're just doing something a million other people have done. If you're not following a bunch of cliches your story is pretty much better.
They even have genre-specific cliche lists there. Type in "fantasy cliches" and you get a bunch of good stuff on what not to do.
Well! I hope this was helpful, get out there and write!
1. A good opening
Nothing makes me turn away from a story more than if the opening is flat, lame, typical, or boring. Some typical openings can be done well, but more often than not they are crap. The really bad ones draw me in because I have a sadistic want to see just how hilariously bad the prose gets, but for the most part I will not read your story if it does not draw me in. I will scan through it, give you a few remarks that most likely involve the two sentences I did read, and I'll be on my way.
A good opening is something that's going to grab a person's attention. And not in a negative way. Not in a way that has been done over and over. Some over-done openings are:
a) Crying: "Her shoulders hunched forward as she sobbed bitterly."
b) Graveyards: "He stood at the tombstone, fists clenched and arms shaking."
c) Storms: "Lightning flashed the cross the sky in a mournful display, displaying the darkness of the world."
d) Death: "What is death?" (that opening sentence kills me inside every time I see it. And I see it a lot.)
e) Sucky life: "Life is nothing but a dark void."
f) battlefield: "Death spread out before me, mangle bodies spread across the ground."
g) Running: "His feet pounded across the ground as he ran desperately from the ominous figure."
h) Suicidal: "I don't want to live anymore."
Don't get me wrong. Done right, in an original way, emotion, or context, any of these intros can be a good intro. My own novel starts off with a thunder storm... but it's not for depressing effect. The point of it is that it's annoying the shit out of my MC. That is something you don't expect when someone talks about a thunder storm, therefore making it a more original opening.
Besides an original and interesting opening, you want something someone WANTS to read. That means special attention to grammar and sentence structure. For the first three or four sentences you want to have nit-picked over every sentence, clause, idea, and WORD. Pick your wording carefully and be sure that you haven't made any mistakes. If I see an opening that is well-worded and interesting to read, I am overly happy and I can proceed as if I was actually reading a story... not nit-picking at someone's hunk of prose. That's how you can tell if I like what you've written; I will read it through first, and then I will go back and critique. If I don't like it, I crit as I read. And THEN I just get more and more annoyed as I go along.
If I really don't like it, I put it on this blog.
2. A moving story line.
This is the next important thing. If you have a great intro but your story line is crap, well that intro only got the reader so far. This means that your story has a point. Everything you say must have some sort of meaning, everything you say must in some way help the story. If suddenly you go off rambling about something that we neither need to know or care about, you've lost the reader.
This also means that you should not stop at random times to give us an info dump. Describing an entire person's appearance in one paragraph (describing hair and eye color, clothes, height, etc, etc all in one go...) is tedious and halting to the story. Same with history-dumping. We don't need to know the MC's life story all in one go. Keep it moving forward and throw in details here and there.
For example, instead of this:
"She wore a floor-length black dress, gold earrings, and a beautiful silver necklace. Her hair was brown and her eyes were green, and she looked to be about twenty years old."
Try this:
"As she approached me, a floor-length dress whipped at her feet, its black folds seeming to absorb the light. I found myself lost for words as she extended her hand in greeting, bearing into my soul with her intense green eyes, sparkling like the golden earrings at her lobes. We exchanged greetings briefly before she launched into active conversation that seemed to occupy the lives of women her age."
And so on and so forth, just adding the details as you go along in the story. This keeps the story moving and creates more of an image.
3. Show, don't tell.
I can't stress this enough. I don't want to know point-for-point what is happening, I want to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, FEEL point-for-point what is happening. Pay attention to all of the senses and use careful wording, painting a picture in the reader's mind.
Instead of:
"He crossed the street and entered the store"
Try:
"He hurried across the busy streets and ducked into the coffee shop."
Much more descriptive, better word choice, and it paints a better, more personal image. That's all I have to say on that.
5. Spell check.
MS Word spell checks, Firefox spell checks... there is NO REASON to not spell check! It's not rocket science, and that is why this point is short. If you are too lazy to check your spelling, I will be too lazy to read your story.
6. Proof read.
A little harder than spell checking, but also not rocket science. Type up your prose, and then (this is important) leave it alone for a day or two. Come back to it. Read it over and make edits to any mistakes you see. Change up some wording to make your story appeal to you more, and see if you like it from a different perspective than if you had just written it.
Go over it with a fine-toothed comb, pick out any grammar problems you see and ask yourself if someone else would enjoy it. If you do this much, I am OVERLY impressed and would be more than happy to help you out the rest of the way. I don't expect everyone to be a grammar nut, and if you actually tried to proof read I can tell and would be more than willing to point out where you're still having trouble and give you a proper explanation on certain grammatical rules.
7. Read up on cliches
It sounds dumb, but if you Google cliches, you get plenty of sites that will help you figure out if your story is original or if you're just doing something a million other people have done. If you're not following a bunch of cliches your story is pretty much better.
They even have genre-specific cliche lists there. Type in "fantasy cliches" and you get a bunch of good stuff on what not to do.
Well! I hope this was helpful, get out there and write!
So here's one from a guy...
Seeing as I seen to have thus far only picked on female writers, we can show that it's not just them trying to be dark, mysterious, and completely awesome. This one was very short, so I ended up critiquing it in the guy's topic, so I'll just copy/paste what I wrote to him.
Topic:
Death
Prose:
She ran through the night [Why everyone needs to start their story off this way I'll never know...].The foot steps [footsteps*] coming [were coming*]she did not know where she was all she knew was she had to keep going [So confusing, lacking in punctuation, and just so random... no structure or thought whatsoever, of course.], the church, she thought so she ran to it,[Part of the sentence with absolutely no pause or emotion, switching into a run-on sentence. You're telling, not showing, and doing so in a big run-on sentence, giving us the readers a big headache.] in her bleached white robe [Cliche.], her long golden hair her bare feat [feet... you know, spell check and proof reading are your friends.]all seemed to leave her behind as she flew on fear [what a tedious sentence. I think you need to go back and proof read and fix it up so that it's presentable. And grammatically correct.]. There it was, the lights of fire blazing the holy music ringing but the foot steps were closer or were they hoves [hooves? Feet and hooves sound completely different, and why the shit would they be hooves? How confusing...] I it didn't matter.
"Father i nead to releive my..."said an inercent [Said a what?]
An ear crippling bone cerdiling [curdling? By the way, bones don't curdle. Blood does.]scream. [And a fragmented sentence!]
I suggest proof reading stuff before posting it for the internet to see.
And there you have it. I really have no further comments other than to say I think he had a cliche image in his head and had to show the world... as if we haven't seen this crap before.
Where are you, originality?
Topic:
Death
Prose:
She ran through the night [Why everyone needs to start their story off this way I'll never know...].The foot steps [footsteps*] coming [were coming*]she did not know where she was all she knew was she had to keep going [So confusing, lacking in punctuation, and just so random... no structure or thought whatsoever, of course.], the church, she thought so she ran to it,[Part of the sentence with absolutely no pause or emotion, switching into a run-on sentence. You're telling, not showing, and doing so in a big run-on sentence, giving us the readers a big headache.] in her bleached white robe [Cliche.], her long golden hair her bare feat [feet... you know, spell check and proof reading are your friends.]all seemed to leave her behind as she flew on fear [what a tedious sentence. I think you need to go back and proof read and fix it up so that it's presentable. And grammatically correct.]. There it was, the lights of fire blazing the holy music ringing but the foot steps were closer or were they hoves [hooves? Feet and hooves sound completely different, and why the shit would they be hooves? How confusing...] I it didn't matter.
"Father i nead to releive my..."said an inercent [Said a what?]
An ear crippling bone cerdiling [curdling? By the way, bones don't curdle. Blood does.]scream. [And a fragmented sentence!]
I suggest proof reading stuff before posting it for the internet to see.
And there you have it. I really have no further comments other than to say I think he had a cliche image in his head and had to show the world... as if we haven't seen this crap before.
Where are you, originality?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I almost don't need to comment...
Apart from her spelling "grammar" as "grammer" in her story's introductory, our next author also told everyone not to be badass about said "grammer" (but expected a critique? I don't get people.) Speaking from a nerd's experience, it is impossible to make grammar (or grammer) badass in any way, shape, or form.
Maybe in a group of Grammar Nazis. "YEAH, the way you owned those quotations marks was SOOOOOOO BADASS!"
Wow. I read the intro line, and two sentences into the prose and immediately pasted it onto the blog... so I'm reading it and experiencing it as I edit, fun for you, fun for me haha.
Anyways, onto the prose!
Topic:
I have a story idea prolouge inside
Prose (with my ever-subtle comments and edits added):
The world it can be a very scary and horrible place [Oh, isn't it always? And people wonder why the world's suicide rates are up... because parents think it's okay for kids to spew crap like this. Ooooh, it's just a phase. It's not a phase when you decide it's toooooo dark and tooooo depressing and, oh, I dunno, die. But then parents will start saying "oh, death is just a phase! They'll get over it. It's ridiculous.], especially when your not a full blooded [Lack of hyphen]human being [Oh, I bet you're something real badass. Like grammEr.]. It has been about three years now since we have been revealed to the world for what we really are [... every time I read this sentence it gets lamer and lamer... I mean, how much better is it since Teenie said it? It's not. It's less.]. You may think that’s great, we no longer have to hide but that is only half true [Missing a comma Awkward sentence. Oy.]. My name is aroura deveroux [Okay, my five-year-old cousin knows that you have to capitalize a name. And what a lame name. They tried REAL HARD to make it dark and mysterious, you just KNOW.] and I’m not human never have been [Well last time I checked you generally stay the same species you were born as... but that used to be the same truth for gender as well...]and since I’ve come to this realm thousands of years ago [Oh, and you're thousands of years old too. You just get more and more awesome, don't you? I bet you have stupid colored eyes too, I'm laying down five bucks for that right now.] I’ve learned many things [But despite thousands of years failed basic English comprehension (like capitalizing names...)]. My realm is called Eternia[Sounds like a feminine hernia.] many come from there and none of us are human[They're all badass instead.]. In my realm I am royalty heir to the throne [Of COURSE you are. See? Teenie's not the only one, I wasn't just nitpicking with her. It's popular, it's lame, it's over-done... NEXT.]and my land is peaceful and loving[D'awwwwww...]. Yes we have thief’s and murderers [... so you pluralize differently between two things that are right next to each other? You just blew my mind. By the way, it's thieves.]and things just like earth ["And things just like Earth." Minus the proper capitalization... that is QUALITY writing, right there.]but things are different there more tolerant, but back to this day and age [And this sentence just got better. Wow, how do you come up with something as outstanding as this?]. When we first came out we were feared and many of us died[When people are scared of you, you die. So be nice!], yes there really are vampires and demons [...]and all sorts of creatures that you once thought were myths[Nuh uh! I knew about them because I am a 50 000 year old demon. I have purple hair and highlighter green eyes that are so intense that no one else can look in them. I'm a princess and I have VAST amounts of magical powers that I can defeat anyone with. I'm just awesome, do not doubt my knowledge foolish simpleton!]. I am none of what you would call a normal other[A whuut?], I have wings [Of course you do. OH WAIT! I mean, so do I! I have four wings, beat that!] of either black and red dragon or pure white silver feathers [Wait what? You don't know what your wings are, but you know they're something AWESOME~!]. I have fangs[Yep...] and my eyes are a deep violet[I KNEW IT!! I EFFING KNEW IT!!] and yes I feed off of blood but not only blood I do eat normal food like you all do[I only eat pure awesomeness.]. I control the element of water[See? Supr awsum skilz. Saw that one coming too.] and I have many other powers of what many call a witch [Your super powers are called witch? What kind of power is that?]and once many years ago I had only one here who could have been able to mach me [See? No one can defeat super awesome characters, they're just too win.]and well he was once the love of my life [Okay, maybe I should have seen the ultimate love thing before.]. His name is blaze and he is the prince of the realm you call hell[And just when you think it can't get any better...], but years went by and my powers have diminished [Hosnap. Did your wings diminish too? Because I recall you saying you just revealed yourself as "what you really were" three years ago but have been in the "human realm" for thousands of years. Hmmmmmmm. Unless only people you WANT TO can see your wings.] and now I am still powerful [More than YOU]but not immortal [Oh shucks.] as I once was to this realm ["not immortal as I once was to this realm." Huh.]. When we first came out[of the closet?] the human government recruited me and my partners two others and three humans for a special project [Confusion.]so those who knew me now think I’m dead[Wait, when you get recruited for a special project people think you're dead? PROFESSOR! WAIT! I DON'T WANT EXTRA CREDIT ANY MORE!]. I work to keep people alive other and human alike,[... more confusion. "Other and human alike." What?] my force [Meaning just you, of course, because you're smarter and more awesome than anyone else in the group, am I right? You lead that group, don't you?]works together to patrol the worlds and keep things under the law[What law? Hell, we can't even keep more than one country - no - one CITY under the same set of laws!], But now something is happening and things are coming out of the shadows[Don't worry, it's just your wings. False alarm.] and trying to destroy earth and every other realm they can get there [They're, there... THEIR.]hands[or super magik clawz] on. Humans still don’t care for us[Right because humans are naturally dickholes who hate EVERYTHING.] but we have rights as well so they cant do anything but live with us[OOOOH so you're like the really annoying homosexual who won't shut up about how gays are people too and therefore you have to live with his/her flirting with you whether you like it or not, and they're allowed to be as annoying and loud about it as humanly possible, but tell them to shut up and you're a HOMOPHOBE... yeah, that's about you right now.]. Still like back in the old days there are to many prejudice’s [... PLURAL FAIL]and many places wont let us in if they can see what we are[Yeah, the wings aren't a dead give away. Good lord, I PITY you... PSYCH!!]. No we try not to hide [No?], we shouldn’t have to[Oh how I pity your all-powerfulness...]. many of us are not cruel and evil like the stories say. Yes I can hide who I am but I choose not to[Oh right, people can only see your speshul awesumness when you say, I forgot.]. Now blaze has gone missing [WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Cue dramatic music...]and so have many others of our kind and me and my partners syrah[Why is it so hard to capitalize a NAME?] and Lilith the others on my team and dean Robby and Alice the humans have to find out what is going on and why things are going way, way to wrong and hopefully save the realms as we know it[That sentence was so horrible and ran on and it had so many ands in it and it was random and had no one subject and really no purpose other than to ramble on and it was broken up and tedious and omigosh.]. Our own realms refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong in there worlds and we have to fight alone[brb, I pity myself, gotta go cut now. Of course, you're all alone in the cruel world and people hate you. What's next, crappy poetry? Oh please, no!].
Another day, another butcher to our language. Why why WHY, when we have AMAZING educational systems, do people insist on falling asleep in class? Come ON.
At least she isn't like the Comma Fiend, who is apparently an English TEACHER. Wow.
Maybe in a group of Grammar Nazis. "YEAH, the way you owned those quotations marks was SOOOOOOO BADASS!"
Wow. I read the intro line, and two sentences into the prose and immediately pasted it onto the blog... so I'm reading it and experiencing it as I edit, fun for you, fun for me haha.
Anyways, onto the prose!
Topic:
I have a story idea prolouge inside
Prose (with my ever-subtle comments and edits added):
The world it can be a very scary and horrible place [Oh, isn't it always? And people wonder why the world's suicide rates are up... because parents think it's okay for kids to spew crap like this. Ooooh, it's just a phase. It's not a phase when you decide it's toooooo dark and tooooo depressing and, oh, I dunno, die. But then parents will start saying "oh, death is just a phase! They'll get over it. It's ridiculous.], especially when your not a full blooded [Lack of hyphen]human being [Oh, I bet you're something real badass. Like grammEr.]. It has been about three years now since we have been revealed to the world for what we really are [... every time I read this sentence it gets lamer and lamer... I mean, how much better is it since Teenie said it? It's not. It's less.]. You may think that’s great, we no longer have to hide but that is only half true [Missing a comma Awkward sentence. Oy.]. My name is aroura deveroux [Okay, my five-year-old cousin knows that you have to capitalize a name. And what a lame name. They tried REAL HARD to make it dark and mysterious, you just KNOW.] and I’m not human never have been [Well last time I checked you generally stay the same species you were born as... but that used to be the same truth for gender as well...]and since I’ve come to this realm thousands of years ago [Oh, and you're thousands of years old too. You just get more and more awesome, don't you? I bet you have stupid colored eyes too, I'm laying down five bucks for that right now.] I’ve learned many things [But despite thousands of years failed basic English comprehension (like capitalizing names...)]. My realm is called Eternia[Sounds like a feminine hernia.] many come from there and none of us are human[They're all badass instead.]. In my realm I am royalty heir to the throne [Of COURSE you are. See? Teenie's not the only one, I wasn't just nitpicking with her. It's popular, it's lame, it's over-done... NEXT.]and my land is peaceful and loving[D'awwwwww...]. Yes we have thief’s and murderers [... so you pluralize differently between two things that are right next to each other? You just blew my mind. By the way, it's thieves.]and things just like earth ["And things just like Earth." Minus the proper capitalization... that is QUALITY writing, right there.]but things are different there more tolerant, but back to this day and age [And this sentence just got better. Wow, how do you come up with something as outstanding as this?]. When we first came out we were feared and many of us died[When people are scared of you, you die. So be nice!], yes there really are vampires and demons [...]and all sorts of creatures that you once thought were myths[Nuh uh! I knew about them because I am a 50 000 year old demon. I have purple hair and highlighter green eyes that are so intense that no one else can look in them. I'm a princess and I have VAST amounts of magical powers that I can defeat anyone with. I'm just awesome, do not doubt my knowledge foolish simpleton!]. I am none of what you would call a normal other[A whuut?], I have wings [Of course you do. OH WAIT! I mean, so do I! I have four wings, beat that!] of either black and red dragon or pure white silver feathers [Wait what? You don't know what your wings are, but you know they're something AWESOME~!]. I have fangs[Yep...] and my eyes are a deep violet[I KNEW IT!! I EFFING KNEW IT!!] and yes I feed off of blood but not only blood I do eat normal food like you all do[I only eat pure awesomeness.]. I control the element of water[See? Supr awsum skilz. Saw that one coming too.] and I have many other powers of what many call a witch [Your super powers are called witch? What kind of power is that?]and once many years ago I had only one here who could have been able to mach me [See? No one can defeat super awesome characters, they're just too win.]and well he was once the love of my life [Okay, maybe I should have seen the ultimate love thing before.]. His name is blaze and he is the prince of the realm you call hell[And just when you think it can't get any better...], but years went by and my powers have diminished [Hosnap. Did your wings diminish too? Because I recall you saying you just revealed yourself as "what you really were" three years ago but have been in the "human realm" for thousands of years. Hmmmmmmm. Unless only people you WANT TO can see your wings.] and now I am still powerful [More than YOU]but not immortal [Oh shucks.] as I once was to this realm ["not immortal as I once was to this realm." Huh.]. When we first came out[of the closet?] the human government recruited me and my partners two others and three humans for a special project [Confusion.]so those who knew me now think I’m dead[Wait, when you get recruited for a special project people think you're dead? PROFESSOR! WAIT! I DON'T WANT EXTRA CREDIT ANY MORE!]. I work to keep people alive other and human alike,[... more confusion. "Other and human alike." What?] my force [Meaning just you, of course, because you're smarter and more awesome than anyone else in the group, am I right? You lead that group, don't you?]works together to patrol the worlds and keep things under the law[What law? Hell, we can't even keep more than one country - no - one CITY under the same set of laws!], But now something is happening and things are coming out of the shadows[Don't worry, it's just your wings. False alarm.] and trying to destroy earth and every other realm they can get there [They're, there... THEIR.]hands[or super magik clawz] on. Humans still don’t care for us[Right because humans are naturally dickholes who hate EVERYTHING.] but we have rights as well so they cant do anything but live with us[OOOOH so you're like the really annoying homosexual who won't shut up about how gays are people too and therefore you have to live with his/her flirting with you whether you like it or not, and they're allowed to be as annoying and loud about it as humanly possible, but tell them to shut up and you're a HOMOPHOBE... yeah, that's about you right now.]. Still like back in the old days there are to many prejudice’s [... PLURAL FAIL]and many places wont let us in if they can see what we are[Yeah, the wings aren't a dead give away. Good lord, I PITY you... PSYCH!!]. No we try not to hide [No?], we shouldn’t have to[Oh how I pity your all-powerfulness...]. many of us are not cruel and evil like the stories say. Yes I can hide who I am but I choose not to[Oh right, people can only see your speshul awesumness when you say, I forgot.]. Now blaze has gone missing [WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Cue dramatic music...]and so have many others of our kind and me and my partners syrah[Why is it so hard to capitalize a NAME?] and Lilith the others on my team and dean Robby and Alice the humans have to find out what is going on and why things are going way, way to wrong and hopefully save the realms as we know it[That sentence was so horrible and ran on and it had so many ands in it and it was random and had no one subject and really no purpose other than to ramble on and it was broken up and tedious and omigosh.]. Our own realms refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong in there worlds and we have to fight alone[brb, I pity myself, gotta go cut now. Of course, you're all alone in the cruel world and people hate you. What's next, crappy poetry? Oh please, no!].
Another day, another butcher to our language. Why why WHY, when we have AMAZING educational systems, do people insist on falling asleep in class? Come ON.
At least she isn't like the Comma Fiend, who is apparently an English TEACHER. Wow.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Teenie's back!
Turns out that the first post was just a prelude to her epic story to come! I'll have to subscribe to this topic and follow it for more updates, the first post was just too priceless.
Topic:
underlying darkness
Prose (with edits, I won't post this twice):
CHAPTER 1 (part one): A Stranger
"Eh.eh. ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" bellows my alarm clock [Retarded Canadian alarm clock, eh? Errrrrr....] as i hit the snooze button. Sadly my mother yells only a few seconds after the annoying buzz. [I think Comma Fiend stole some of your punctuation there. And... I don't think I need to voice my opinion on that sentence.]
"Elizabeth get up! Your going to be late for school!" [Er... Teenie, before you go off telling everyone you're an "aspiring writer," learn the difference between "your" and "YOU'RE." Thank you.]
"Fine" I sigh to myself when i [Shift button is your friend, it likes you and you are shunning it.] finally drag my body out of bed [And promptly tried to figure out how you would bury it without your mother noticing.].
I pick out a plain white v-neck that is at the top of my drawer, a pair of jeans, and head for the bathroom to take a shower [Uh... I think something is wrong with the list of items you just made. What's a head to the bathroom? Learn about basic sentence structure, lady. When you're listing items you finish off the list before going off on another clause.]. I go down the sparsely lit mustard[earlier today we had a person who used random hyphenation... now we have one that doesn't use it where it's needed.] colored hallway that leads from the bathroom to the stairs at the end of the hall, I passed by all of our family photos and wedding pictures of my parents and grandparents [I think the comma was supposed to be a period. This is where not proof reading comes back to kick you in the ass.]. Go downstairs and into the open kitchen/ dinning room to find my dad at the table reading his paper, and my mother making eggs; a normal and plain morning [Despite the length of this sentence it is composed of two fragments that do NOT make a whole sentence. It's a long, ugly fragment sentence.]. But the normality was going to slightly change, after I drove to school in my 1979 mustang convertible [because you know most students own cars like that. I know I'm really weird because I, in my student self, drive a 2001 minivan that needs some serious front end frame work that I can't currently afford. And what's with the random detail anyways? And such a RANDOM sentence... it would change... after I drove THAT THERE CAR TO SCHOOL. Any other car and it would stay the same! Really. Why can't you just say "that would change after the drive to school?" Come on. Come ON!]. I went to my locker which was conveniently placed right in front of the door [Wait... what? When did you actually drive to school? What's happening?! I don't understand... and WHAT door? *another head explosion*]and just down the hall from my first class; I found Chad already there waiting for me at his locker that is only 3 [Basic writing skills, type out any numbers under one hundred in word form. Three, THREE, -THREE-!]from mine [Adorable.]. Chad had been my best friend since I was three [... yet you can type out THIS kind of three. , he was the one person I could talk to about practically anything. (But one thing, the one thing he could never know may have caused this to happen.) [Teenie, I think you may have blown my mind with that sentence. PS: the period goes outside the parenthesis.]
Chad's a good-looking guy in every since[SENSE. Your aspiration SUCKS.] of the word, he's tall (about six foot two to be exact) [Why do we care about this detail? We don't.], his dirty blond air kept loosely slicked back has a bit of a spike, he has blue eyes, and a face that is neither too square nor too round with no blemishes or freckles, he's muscular, which I guess comes with the territory of being the quarterback of our High school football team. And of course naturally he's popular; his charming, but blunt personality has lead him to have girls fawning over him at all hours. [INFO DUMB THAT WE DON'T NEED, WANT, OR CARE ABOUT.] I had always of known that he loved me differently than I love him, but i didn't think that it would cause him to do this. To betray my trust in him and do this.) [That asshole. Wait. Okay, again, she can't capitalize I or care to have MS Word do it for her, AND she's got the worst attempt at suspense and ominous feelings going on there. Good job, Teenie.]
Class is about to start when suddenly a new guy is standing next to me as I'm trying to grab my books [Uh... the new guy, I bet he's sexy and caring and I bet he causes a love triangle, doesn't he? And that's what Chad gets mad about and that's the fight, and that's why he decides to pwn you with rope that isn't rope, right? I haven't even read this chapter yet, I'm just critiquing as I go. I'm getting the same surprises you are.]. Chad is blabbering about how easy the last football victory was, ignoring him[Stereotypes, much. What ever happened to original characters?]. I feel his presence and try to ignore it, this presence felt[tense switching.] different [STUNNING. Oh, I can't wait for "he's really a vampire too!!"]. I turn slightly to look at him but all he does take a glimpse at me then turn his attention intently to Chad. He started Chad up and down profusely [You can really tell where she grabbed for random "smart" words, can't you?]before looking away after a good long minute, then turned back to his looker, and closes [Adeh? The random tenses confuse my head.] it and disappears into the crowed of students [The crowded of students!] that flooded the halls.
Don't quit that day job, Teenie. The aspiring writer thing's not working out for you so great. You know those English classes in school? They weren't just there for the hell of it. They actually had a PURPOSE. A purpose that went completely over your head, apparently.
Look, it's great if you want to write. But it's like drawing. If you're bad at drawing, don't show the entire world your art and ask them to crit it. If you show your writing to the world, make a damn effort. Got it?
Thank you.
Topic:
underlying darkness
Prose (with edits, I won't post this twice):
CHAPTER 1 (part one): A Stranger
"Eh.eh. ERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" bellows my alarm clock [Retarded Canadian alarm clock, eh? Errrrrr....] as i hit the snooze button. Sadly my mother yells only a few seconds after the annoying buzz. [I think Comma Fiend stole some of your punctuation there. And... I don't think I need to voice my opinion on that sentence.]
"Elizabeth get up! Your going to be late for school!" [Er... Teenie, before you go off telling everyone you're an "aspiring writer," learn the difference between "your" and "YOU'RE." Thank you.]
"Fine" I sigh to myself when i [Shift button is your friend, it likes you and you are shunning it.] finally drag my body out of bed [And promptly tried to figure out how you would bury it without your mother noticing.].
I pick out a plain white v-neck that is at the top of my drawer, a pair of jeans, and head for the bathroom to take a shower [Uh... I think something is wrong with the list of items you just made. What's a head to the bathroom? Learn about basic sentence structure, lady. When you're listing items you finish off the list before going off on another clause.]. I go down the sparsely lit mustard[earlier today we had a person who used random hyphenation... now we have one that doesn't use it where it's needed.] colored hallway that leads from the bathroom to the stairs at the end of the hall, I passed by all of our family photos and wedding pictures of my parents and grandparents [I think the comma was supposed to be a period. This is where not proof reading comes back to kick you in the ass.]. Go downstairs and into the open kitchen/ dinning room to find my dad at the table reading his paper, and my mother making eggs; a normal and plain morning [Despite the length of this sentence it is composed of two fragments that do NOT make a whole sentence. It's a long, ugly fragment sentence.]. But the normality was going to slightly change, after I drove to school in my 1979 mustang convertible [because you know most students own cars like that. I know I'm really weird because I, in my student self, drive a 2001 minivan that needs some serious front end frame work that I can't currently afford. And what's with the random detail anyways? And such a RANDOM sentence... it would change... after I drove THAT THERE CAR TO SCHOOL. Any other car and it would stay the same! Really. Why can't you just say "that would change after the drive to school?" Come on. Come ON!]. I went to my locker which was conveniently placed right in front of the door [Wait... what? When did you actually drive to school? What's happening?! I don't understand... and WHAT door? *another head explosion*]and just down the hall from my first class; I found Chad already there waiting for me at his locker that is only 3 [Basic writing skills, type out any numbers under one hundred in word form. Three, THREE, -THREE-!]from mine [Adorable.]. Chad had been my best friend since I was three [... yet you can type out THIS kind of three. , he was the one person I could talk to about practically anything. (But one thing, the one thing he could never know may have caused this to happen.) [Teenie, I think you may have blown my mind with that sentence. PS: the period goes outside the parenthesis.]
Chad's a good-looking guy in every since[SENSE. Your aspiration SUCKS.] of the word, he's tall (about six foot two to be exact) [Why do we care about this detail? We don't.], his dirty blond air kept loosely slicked back has a bit of a spike, he has blue eyes, and a face that is neither too square nor too round with no blemishes or freckles, he's muscular, which I guess comes with the territory of being the quarterback of our High school football team. And of course naturally he's popular; his charming, but blunt personality has lead him to have girls fawning over him at all hours. [INFO DUMB THAT WE DON'T NEED, WANT, OR CARE ABOUT.] I had always of known that he loved me differently than I love him, but i didn't think that it would cause him to do this. To betray my trust in him and do this.) [That asshole. Wait. Okay, again, she can't capitalize I or care to have MS Word do it for her, AND she's got the worst attempt at suspense and ominous feelings going on there. Good job, Teenie.]
Class is about to start when suddenly a new guy is standing next to me as I'm trying to grab my books [Uh... the new guy, I bet he's sexy and caring and I bet he causes a love triangle, doesn't he? And that's what Chad gets mad about and that's the fight, and that's why he decides to pwn you with rope that isn't rope, right? I haven't even read this chapter yet, I'm just critiquing as I go. I'm getting the same surprises you are.]. Chad is blabbering about how easy the last football victory was, ignoring him[Stereotypes, much. What ever happened to original characters?]. I feel his presence and try to ignore it, this presence felt[tense switching.] different [STUNNING. Oh, I can't wait for "he's really a vampire too!!"]. I turn slightly to look at him but all he does take a glimpse at me then turn his attention intently to Chad. He started Chad up and down profusely [You can really tell where she grabbed for random "smart" words, can't you?]before looking away after a good long minute, then turned back to his looker, and closes [Adeh? The random tenses confuse my head.] it and disappears into the crowed of students [The crowded of students!] that flooded the halls.
Don't quit that day job, Teenie. The aspiring writer thing's not working out for you so great. You know those English classes in school? They weren't just there for the hell of it. They actually had a PURPOSE. A purpose that went completely over your head, apparently.
Look, it's great if you want to write. But it's like drawing. If you're bad at drawing, don't show the entire world your art and ask them to crit it. If you show your writing to the world, make a damn effort. Got it?
Thank you.
Short and from a crazy...
If I were a shark, the topic title this "author" chose would be fish blood. Man, what a good one! I knew instantly this one would make the blog.
Topic:
true love... or death...
Prose:
Topic:
true love... or death...
Prose:
Raina's family had been camping for a few days now and Raina was sound asleep next to her sister Sammy. Raina woke-up to the sound of thunder and saw it there was a huge storm. She looked where Sammy was soppost to be sleeping and saw she wasn' there. She looked at the window. It was open. She crawled out and saw a figure holding a small body. Sammy! "Sammy!" Raina yelled and the figure ran. Raina chased after the figure and they stopped. "Come any closer and I'll kill her!" They warned. It was a man's voice.
Ripped apart:
Ripped apart:
Raina's family had been camping for a few days now [What a plain, boring opening sentence!] and Raina was sound asleep next to her sister Sammy. Raina woke-up [She didn't just wake up, she woke-up. What's with random hyphenating? It's about as perplexing to me as random apostrophe placement!] to the sound of thunder [DUN DUN DUNNNNNN~!] and saw it there was a huge storm [SAW IT THERE WAS!]. She looked where Sammy was soppost [Again... why would you put your PROSE on the internet, expect OTHERS to crtitque it, and be too lazy yourself to even so much as spell check? Come on, seriously!] to be sleeping and saw she wasn' [Again, spell check lacking?] there. She looked at the window. It was open. [Where did the window come from? I thought they were CAMPING. Unless they're camping in a camper trailer (LAME) and even then their windows don't just sit wide open. They're screened... TO PREVENT BUGS FROM ENTERING. Small details, my friends, small details.]She crawled out and saw a figure holding a small body. [Fail at onimous attempt?] Sammy! [Fail to start new paragraph]"Sammy!" Raina yelled and the figure ran[HORRID sentence! It's so basic. It's something you'd find in a children's book. "Spot!" Jimmy yelled, and the puppy ran. A DURRRRRH] . Raina chased after the figure and they stopped[And apparently it's as complex as it gets...] . [Another failure to start a new paragraph...]"Come any closer and I'll kill her!" They warned. It was a man's voice.[This is so dumb. I'm sorry. My head just exploded all over my screen. Hold on, I'm off to find the masking tape.]
Okay, so as if this is not enough, she REPLIES TO HER OWN POST under different user names that are in fact the same. How does that work? Well, they're all different user names... but ALL FOLLOWED by "11111." For example (not the actual user name) one would be Vampires11111 and another is Bloodizawesum11111. There's three in total. The first one posts the prose, and the second one (under a new user name) posts not TWO MINUTES LATER (in a forum where you have to sometimes wait a couple HOURS for a reply.
So under this different yet strikingly similar SN, she posts as a different person:
"I must know what happened ROSE! PLEASE POST MORE! ANY ONE WHO POST A MEAN COMMENT DON'T EVEN TRY!"
Wow, hon. Your basic communication skills are worse than your writing. And who on earth would be that hyped up over the tiny piece of crap that is posted above? I tell you who. NOBODY. Well, apparently your alter-ego is prodding your ego-ego for a better story.
So after this gross outburst a forum reg posts with about as much time as this person deserves in constructive criticism as: "T-troll?" I couldn't agree more.
After that, and I mean HOURS after that, another 11111 SN pops up and posts:
"Oh Sis! This story is great! Post more teehee!"
WTF. Hold on, I bled out my masking tape, you hold onto my computer while I bash my face against it, alright? My face that is no longer there because Skitzo's prose made my head explode. And now it is imploding as a result of her idea of promoting her thread. Stop it, lady, the world is not STUPID.
Okay, so from ditzy sister's profile, she has a picture of THE POSTER'S ICON and the words "This is my twin sister Rose! We look unidentical! We are best friends!!!!!!!" TWINZ THAT ARE BEST FRIENDS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OTHER WORD FOR UNIDENTICAL IS! Good lord! I'm afraid that I may have picked on a nine year old today!
But it's a 13+ forum, so I don't feel bad.
The second one, the alter-ego, has a picture of the poster's icon with the words "dis iz mai intertnet sis dont mess wit hur!!!!" Wow. Brilliant.
And of course the poster's profile is the only one of the three anyone paid attention to, has SHIT Japanese music reflecting off of it. What's more, after the crappy Jap music on the playlist comes Linkin Park which is an extra kick in the balls to me... way to soil the song, Skitzo.
Okay. I initially figured I wouldn't share any user names or names incolved period, but this one is too good not to share:
Dark_Death_Rose1111
Icing on the cake.
Okay, so as if this is not enough, she REPLIES TO HER OWN POST under different user names that are in fact the same. How does that work? Well, they're all different user names... but ALL FOLLOWED by "11111." For example (not the actual user name) one would be Vampires11111 and another is Bloodizawesum11111. There's three in total. The first one posts the prose, and the second one (under a new user name) posts not TWO MINUTES LATER (in a forum where you have to sometimes wait a couple HOURS for a reply.
So under this different yet strikingly similar SN, she posts as a different person:
"I must know what happened ROSE! PLEASE POST MORE! ANY ONE WHO POST A MEAN COMMENT DON'T EVEN TRY!"
Wow, hon. Your basic communication skills are worse than your writing. And who on earth would be that hyped up over the tiny piece of crap that is posted above? I tell you who. NOBODY. Well, apparently your alter-ego is prodding your ego-ego for a better story.
So after this gross outburst a forum reg posts with about as much time as this person deserves in constructive criticism as: "T-troll?" I couldn't agree more.
After that, and I mean HOURS after that, another 11111 SN pops up and posts:
"Oh Sis! This story is great! Post more teehee!"
WTF. Hold on, I bled out my masking tape, you hold onto my computer while I bash my face against it, alright? My face that is no longer there because Skitzo's prose made my head explode. And now it is imploding as a result of her idea of promoting her thread. Stop it, lady, the world is not STUPID.
Okay, so from ditzy sister's profile, she has a picture of THE POSTER'S ICON and the words "This is my twin sister Rose! We look unidentical! We are best friends!!!!!!!" TWINZ THAT ARE BEST FRIENDS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OTHER WORD FOR UNIDENTICAL IS! Good lord! I'm afraid that I may have picked on a nine year old today!
But it's a 13+ forum, so I don't feel bad.
The second one, the alter-ego, has a picture of the poster's icon with the words "dis iz mai intertnet sis dont mess wit hur!!!!" Wow. Brilliant.
And of course the poster's profile is the only one of the three anyone paid attention to, has SHIT Japanese music reflecting off of it. What's more, after the crappy Jap music on the playlist comes Linkin Park which is an extra kick in the balls to me... way to soil the song, Skitzo.
Okay. I initially figured I wouldn't share any user names or names incolved period, but this one is too good not to share:
Dark_Death_Rose1111
Icing on the cake.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Bitch, I'll cut you!
If you happen to be a demon, don't eff with the umber awesum kikass girlz. They'll freakin' cut you! I just stumbled across this wonderful bit of love as I was about to call it a proof-reading night, and I just have to make it my new post.
Topic:
Prose:
Price of Freedom
For the first time in ages she had fought the demon. With the fury that her was characteristic of her family long ago, she regained control of her body. Somehow, by sheer willpower alone—willpower she should have lost long ago—she managed to force the monster out: out of her mind, out of her soul, into the open.
It was a novel sensation for the demon. For years, he had listened to the anguished mental cries, as he twisted her body and committed atrocity after atrocity, forcing her to watch in terror and disgust. She had been his praised pet; most entertaining and as harmless as a declawed and defanged old lioness.
And now his little lioness had broken free, suddenly full of fire and will to fight. It might have been new, but it was also entertaining, the demon decided. He would break her again, of course.
He reached out for her mind—the mind he knew so well—and started tearing through the memories, he knew would make her break down. He forced her to relive the death of her beloved brother, all over again. And then, as she sobbed and begged for him to stop, and for her brother to come back, he started destroying her memories of him.
He would take all her memories, her only treasures.
She fell to her knees sobbing, desperately trying to retain at least a bit of her identity. Something, anything—the tiniest bit of memory, a hint of who she was… But the demon kept diving deeper and deeper into her mind, ripping everything apart and leaving only emptiness.
Ever so slowly her sobs died down and she stopped resisting. Her mind was now an almost total blank, with only a tiny nagging feeling that told her that she should kill the thing before her. Wordlessly, she stared into the water.
And then she rose; giddily, as if she wear drunk. For the first time in years her face was calm and so was her mind. For the first time in years one could again see the eerie serene beauty of her pale skin and silvery hair and how oddly the contrasted with her violet eyes.
Slowly, dreamily she headed forward, deeper into the pond, her eyes never leaving the triumphant demon. She was mere inches away from him, knee deep in water, when suddenly, she ducked. With one smooth move she grabbed a sword she had just noticed and drove it right into the demons heart.
Looking up, still ever so serene, she twisted the blade.
Ripped up edits:
For the first time in ages she had fought the demon [Without the whole "the first time in ages" bit, we would have thought that fighting demons was a regular occurrence for her, right. I mean, I know it is for me]. With the fury that her was characteristic of her family long ago [Did anyone else read that and think anything other than "WHAT?"], she regained control of her body. Somehow, by sheer willpower alone—willpower she should have lost long ago[With her family that her was characteristic from long ago... okay, sorry, that hurt my own head to type.]—she managed to force the monster out: out of her mind, out of her soul, into the open [Yeah, you own that monster-demon!].
It was a novel sensation for the demon. For years, he had listened to the anguished mental cries, as he twisted her body and committed atrocity after atrocity, forcing her to watch in terror and disgust [Now I don't know if that was SUPPOSED to sound sexual buuut...]. She had been his praised pet; most entertaining and as harmless as a declawed and defanged old lioness [I had to read that about six times before I sorted it out into something I understood, where I could KINDA see what she meant the sentence to be.].
And now his little lioness [Okay, bad metaphor. Little and lioness are complete opposites and... you think of lionesses as ferocious, not precious. You can just TELL this is not the thought she was trying to project.] had broken free, suddenly full of fire and will to fight. It might have been new, but it was also entertaining, the demon decided[Gone comma-happy?]. He would break her again, of course[To me, the phrase "of course" has very few effective uses. This is not one of them. Why not take it out completely, save some wording, and get an altogether better sentence?].
He reached out for her mind—the mind he knew so well—and started tearing through the memories, he knew would make her break down [Again, comma-happy.]. He forced her to relive the death of her beloved brother, all over again [Ladies and gents, I introduce to you, the Comma Fiend. And why is it that 99% of ALL fantasy characters have to have a completely broken background, having witness at least one if not ALL of their family members' deaths?]. And then, as she sobbed and begged for him to stop, [... not even going to say it.] and for her brother to come back, he started destroying her memories of him.
He would take all her memories, her only treasures[Asshole!].
She fell to her knees sobbing, desperately trying to retain at least a bit of her identity. Something, anything—the tiniest bit of memory, a hint of who she was… But the demon kept diving deeper and deeper into her mind, ripping everything apart and leaving only emptiness[And blackness and sorrow and why does the world hate me, brb gotta go cut my wrists...].
Ever so slowly her sobs died down and she stopped resisting. Her mind was now an almost total blank [An almost total blank? Where did you find one of those? Wal-Mart?], with only a tiny nagging feeling that told her that she should kill the thing before her [It took me two full read-throughs to figure out what she meant by "the thing." For the record, she means the demon. But see, the impression I got at the beginning was that the demon was inside her and she pushed him out and now he's back in again so would that not remove him from in front of her? I don't get it.]. Wordlessly, she stared into the water. [Hold on now what water, where did it come from?]
And then she rose; giddily, as if she wear drunk [First of all, was she not just sobbing in hysterics? And really, she should try another look. Drunk is never good to wear in public, you ought to know.]. For the first time in years her face was calm and so was her mind. For the first time in years one [?] could again see the eerie serene beauty of her pale skin [?] and silvery hair [?] and how oddly the [?] contrasted with her violet eyes [?] [Okay, so "one" would be concentrating on this girl and not the demonic monster, I get that. But why why WHY WHY WHY do these people need stupid colors of hair and eyes? Come on, that is about the lamest card you could pull. Put it back in the deck, NOW. Next thing you know, this girl is going to have an unpronounceable, Japanese-sounding name like "Jtsuyumi Hikabarchisonatoqichi."].
Slowly, dreamily she headed forward [Is the demon telling her to? No he isn't! He just lets his mind-controlled teeny lioness wander around, whatever, he fucked up the memories of her dead bro so she's harmless anyways.], deeper into the pond, her eyes never leaving the triumphant demon. She was mere inches away from him, knee deep in water, when suddenly, she ducked [SUDDENLY TIME FOR EPIC AWESOMENESS!]. With one smooth move [Oh, she's smooooth!] she grabbed a sword she had just noticed [Just some random weapon, it was just there and she was like "yeah, I could rock that piece of awesomeness.] and drove it right into the demons [lack of possessive comprehension] heart. [I thought demons were spirity-type-things... but I could be wrong, whatever, it's fantasy, my little nit-picking bit.]
Looking up, still ever so serene, she twisted the blade. [Because people are always serene and cool-headed and SMOOTH MOVERS when they slay a demon that has had possession of them for a few years, it's no big deal, it's just chill. I get that.]
Okay, Comma Fiend. I wouldn't hand in the English Lessons you so wondrously have access to, living in a first-world country and all. And don't try so hard to try and make your character "full of win." We get it, they're awesome. But instead of trying to throw them a million smooth-moving, odd-colored features in the reader's face, show them through their actions that don't make a reader sigh with exasperation and click the "next" button under your topic title, alright?
And don't you know that their SN is an unpronounceable, Japanese-sounding name like I thought the character's might end up being. Huh. Maybe I should have looked at that before the crit. Oh, well.
And from the profile:
"I'm a Super Robot fan, but I also like a good read (fantasy in particular). My other hobby is roleplaying, but I'm fairly picky about who I play with. Last, but not least, I'm a feminist, which means I believe men and women are equal. While I study linguistics, I intend to become a writer in the future. I actually wrote stories at the age of seven (total crap, but anyway). I got better though. Or I might become a sociolinguist. Who knows? Right now I teach English in a language school. Part-time job."
Well for one, I don't think feminism means the equality of men and women. I'm pretty sure feminists are out to destroy men, they frighten me and I don't know how they come up with some of the things they do.
But what's more? This person is apparently an ENGLISH TEACHER! Dear lord what is this world coming to? It frightens me that my concert band's director used to be an English teacher, but now it's not so bad after I've seen this bit of wonder. Wow.
Topic:
Prose:
Price of Freedom
For the first time in ages she had fought the demon. With the fury that her was characteristic of her family long ago, she regained control of her body. Somehow, by sheer willpower alone—willpower she should have lost long ago—she managed to force the monster out: out of her mind, out of her soul, into the open.
It was a novel sensation for the demon. For years, he had listened to the anguished mental cries, as he twisted her body and committed atrocity after atrocity, forcing her to watch in terror and disgust. She had been his praised pet; most entertaining and as harmless as a declawed and defanged old lioness.
And now his little lioness had broken free, suddenly full of fire and will to fight. It might have been new, but it was also entertaining, the demon decided. He would break her again, of course.
He reached out for her mind—the mind he knew so well—and started tearing through the memories, he knew would make her break down. He forced her to relive the death of her beloved brother, all over again. And then, as she sobbed and begged for him to stop, and for her brother to come back, he started destroying her memories of him.
He would take all her memories, her only treasures.
She fell to her knees sobbing, desperately trying to retain at least a bit of her identity. Something, anything—the tiniest bit of memory, a hint of who she was… But the demon kept diving deeper and deeper into her mind, ripping everything apart and leaving only emptiness.
Ever so slowly her sobs died down and she stopped resisting. Her mind was now an almost total blank, with only a tiny nagging feeling that told her that she should kill the thing before her. Wordlessly, she stared into the water.
And then she rose; giddily, as if she wear drunk. For the first time in years her face was calm and so was her mind. For the first time in years one could again see the eerie serene beauty of her pale skin and silvery hair and how oddly the contrasted with her violet eyes.
Slowly, dreamily she headed forward, deeper into the pond, her eyes never leaving the triumphant demon. She was mere inches away from him, knee deep in water, when suddenly, she ducked. With one smooth move she grabbed a sword she had just noticed and drove it right into the demons heart.
Looking up, still ever so serene, she twisted the blade.
Ripped up edits:
For the first time in ages she had fought the demon [Without the whole "the first time in ages" bit, we would have thought that fighting demons was a regular occurrence for her, right. I mean, I know it is for me]. With the fury that her was characteristic of her family long ago [Did anyone else read that and think anything other than "WHAT?"], she regained control of her body. Somehow, by sheer willpower alone—willpower she should have lost long ago[With her family that her was characteristic from long ago... okay, sorry, that hurt my own head to type.]—she managed to force the monster out: out of her mind, out of her soul, into the open [Yeah, you own that monster-demon!].
It was a novel sensation for the demon. For years, he had listened to the anguished mental cries, as he twisted her body and committed atrocity after atrocity, forcing her to watch in terror and disgust [Now I don't know if that was SUPPOSED to sound sexual buuut...]. She had been his praised pet; most entertaining and as harmless as a declawed and defanged old lioness [I had to read that about six times before I sorted it out into something I understood, where I could KINDA see what she meant the sentence to be.].
And now his little lioness [Okay, bad metaphor. Little and lioness are complete opposites and... you think of lionesses as ferocious, not precious. You can just TELL this is not the thought she was trying to project.] had broken free, suddenly full of fire and will to fight. It might have been new, but it was also entertaining, the demon decided[Gone comma-happy?]. He would break her again, of course[To me, the phrase "of course" has very few effective uses. This is not one of them. Why not take it out completely, save some wording, and get an altogether better sentence?].
He reached out for her mind—the mind he knew so well—and started tearing through the memories, he knew would make her break down [Again, comma-happy.]. He forced her to relive the death of her beloved brother, all over again [Ladies and gents, I introduce to you, the Comma Fiend. And why is it that 99% of ALL fantasy characters have to have a completely broken background, having witness at least one if not ALL of their family members' deaths?]. And then, as she sobbed and begged for him to stop, [... not even going to say it.] and for her brother to come back, he started destroying her memories of him.
He would take all her memories, her only treasures[Asshole!].
She fell to her knees sobbing, desperately trying to retain at least a bit of her identity. Something, anything—the tiniest bit of memory, a hint of who she was… But the demon kept diving deeper and deeper into her mind, ripping everything apart and leaving only emptiness[And blackness and sorrow and why does the world hate me, brb gotta go cut my wrists...].
Ever so slowly her sobs died down and she stopped resisting. Her mind was now an almost total blank [An almost total blank? Where did you find one of those? Wal-Mart?], with only a tiny nagging feeling that told her that she should kill the thing before her [It took me two full read-throughs to figure out what she meant by "the thing." For the record, she means the demon. But see, the impression I got at the beginning was that the demon was inside her and she pushed him out and now he's back in again so would that not remove him from in front of her? I don't get it.]. Wordlessly, she stared into the water. [Hold on now what water, where did it come from?]
And then she rose; giddily, as if she wear drunk [First of all, was she not just sobbing in hysterics? And really, she should try another look. Drunk is never good to wear in public, you ought to know.]. For the first time in years her face was calm and so was her mind. For the first time in years one [?] could again see the eerie serene beauty of her pale skin [?] and silvery hair [?] and how oddly the [?] contrasted with her violet eyes [?] [Okay, so "one" would be concentrating on this girl and not the demonic monster, I get that. But why why WHY WHY WHY do these people need stupid colors of hair and eyes? Come on, that is about the lamest card you could pull. Put it back in the deck, NOW. Next thing you know, this girl is going to have an unpronounceable, Japanese-sounding name like "Jtsuyumi Hikabarchisonatoqichi."].
Slowly, dreamily she headed forward [Is the demon telling her to? No he isn't! He just lets his mind-controlled teeny lioness wander around, whatever, he fucked up the memories of her dead bro so she's harmless anyways.], deeper into the pond, her eyes never leaving the triumphant demon. She was mere inches away from him, knee deep in water, when suddenly, she ducked [SUDDENLY TIME FOR EPIC AWESOMENESS!]. With one smooth move [Oh, she's smooooth!] she grabbed a sword she had just noticed [Just some random weapon, it was just there and she was like "yeah, I could rock that piece of awesomeness.] and drove it right into the demons [lack of possessive comprehension] heart. [I thought demons were spirity-type-things... but I could be wrong, whatever, it's fantasy, my little nit-picking bit.]
Looking up, still ever so serene, she twisted the blade. [Because people are always serene and cool-headed and SMOOTH MOVERS when they slay a demon that has had possession of them for a few years, it's no big deal, it's just chill. I get that.]
Okay, Comma Fiend. I wouldn't hand in the English Lessons you so wondrously have access to, living in a first-world country and all. And don't try so hard to try and make your character "full of win." We get it, they're awesome. But instead of trying to throw them a million smooth-moving, odd-colored features in the reader's face, show them through their actions that don't make a reader sigh with exasperation and click the "next" button under your topic title, alright?
And don't you know that their SN is an unpronounceable, Japanese-sounding name like I thought the character's might end up being. Huh. Maybe I should have looked at that before the crit. Oh, well.
And from the profile:
"I'm a Super Robot fan, but I also like a good read (fantasy in particular). My other hobby is roleplaying, but I'm fairly picky about who I play with. Last, but not least, I'm a feminist, which means I believe men and women are equal. While I study linguistics, I intend to become a writer in the future. I actually wrote stories at the age of seven (total crap, but anyway). I got better though. Or I might become a sociolinguist. Who knows? Right now I teach English in a language school. Part-time job."
Well for one, I don't think feminism means the equality of men and women. I'm pretty sure feminists are out to destroy men, they frighten me and I don't know how they come up with some of the things they do.
But what's more? This person is apparently an ENGLISH TEACHER! Dear lord what is this world coming to? It frightens me that my concert band's director used to be an English teacher, but now it's not so bad after I've seen this bit of wonder. Wow.
Here's a hint...
You're going to get people with a more positive attitude toward critiquing your story when the topic title for critique has some English skills in it. I clicked on a particularly horrid title expecting something that would make day much more amusing, and dear lord was I right!
Topic title:
plz review and critisize
Prose:
I'm in a dark room with no windows and a course wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope, but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope.It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope but somehow i can't get out of the chair, because if it were just a rope I could. I forget how i got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not.The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am? And with all this power how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope!I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone? Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley; shit! i know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, does she know I'm in here world, does she know I'm here? AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!?
Comments, criticism, edits:
The only way I can really up and show my complete amusement with this bit of wonder is to paste the story again and rip it up. Here goes!
I'm in a dark room with no windows [Is this not how every single "I-am-trying-my-hardest-to-be-amazingly-cool piece of prose starts out?] and a course [they mean "coarse?"] wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked [If my ever-short memory serves me right, is the MC not tied to a chair they cannot "escape" from? How on earth were they able to test the door? Or was it a prison door made from idiots where they put a visible latch on the inside?]. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope [in a speshul, emotional link? How come no one knows how to use a thesaurus anymore? I may not be able to pronounce it, but...], but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope [translation: I like to ramble in redundant sentences and make myself look badass. That's right. I'm better than JUST A ROPE which is indeed just a rope! Take that rope that is rope!].[Severe lack of space after period/before sentence, lacking basic grammar skills or just lacking the thought that maybe a spell check would be nice?]It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope [Like a speshul magik rope? I don't know any rope that tugs and pulls. I know people who can tug and pull on ropes, but where you come from rope must be simply magical.] but somehow i [... okay, before putting your stuff on the internet, you think you could do something as simple and capitalizing the word "I." I mean... MS Word does it FOR YOU.]can't get out of the chair,[you're tied to a chair, that's the somehow.] because if it were just a rope I could [Yes, you've said that already... thrice. How hard are you trying to make the character a badass rope-ass-kicking bucket of win?]. I forget how i [See, it's not just a one-time mistake! THE SHIFT KEY IS YOUR FRIEND]got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not[yadda yadda... wait, what? Holy run-on sentence and random subjects Batman! How many times does it take to read that sentence to decipher its meaning? Bets, anyone? 5? --Thousand? What part of you reads that and thinks "hmm, I should ask another person to crit it for me, it seems like a good thing to put through other people's skulls?"].The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore [My best friend who isn't a friend, we had a fight. Besides the random tense change with the "wasn't," we have a confusing "my best friend is not a friend" idea which would have gone down better as "my former best friend." How hard was that?]. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret[When I was watching the movie Pulse with my friends, we had the subtitles on for humorous value. This is where I see the bold words "OMINOUS MUSIC" pop up on the screen, and I can't help but laugh.]? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am [So again with the overwhelming wordiness And the ever-ominous, ever-HARDCORE COOL "I am something mysterious yet AWESOME"]? And with all this power ["And unspeakably POWERFUL"] how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope![I'm too cool to get pwnd by a rope! Also notice the severe lack of space here between period and start of sentence... AGAIN.]I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone?[Whut, you're amazingly powerful and awesome but you better haul ass if you're going to miss curfew. Man, my parents are going to be PISSED. This is the third time I've been knocked out and strung up for my amazing magical powers this week! I am soooo grounded.] Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley[What a combination!]; shit! i [introducing the double-whammy of failing to capitalize "I" and at the beginning of a sentence!] know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, [And you just know she's royalty too.] does she know I'm in here world [Proof-reading is your FRIEND. "I'm in here, world!"], does she know I'm here? [You know, readers get tired of reading the same things over and over and over and over... from different writers. You just keep tossing it out to us IN THE SAME SENTENCE. "Does she know I'm in this world, does she know I'm here?" Come on.] AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!? [BECAUSE YOU'RE SULKING OVER THE FACT THAT YOU GOT MISERABLY OWNED BY ROPE (that can't be rope because it isn't rope because the MC is too awesome for rope... by the way).]
By the way, the vast majority of stuff I pick on is people who try to make their characters overly badass and cool, which means a lot of fantasy and vampire prose. Brace yourselves!
And here's a little bit of "awesomeness" I picked up from the user's profile:
"I'm [SN removed].....
I don't give a shit bout wat u think of me...
my friends are treasured me enimies are valuable.......
if ur a bitch i'm a bitch...
if ur nice i'll be nice....
i'm an aspiring writer and i love to draw and do pictures....
i'm big on style so i am always up to criticism."
Well "Teen," you may want to work on basic knowledge of the English language before you go around telling the webbernets that you are an... "aspiring writer." Normally when people tell others that, they try to do so in a way that does not look like their works are found in the contents of long text messages via the latest flip-phone.
Better luck next time, Teenie.
Topic title:
plz review and critisize
Prose:
I'm in a dark room with no windows and a course wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope, but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope.It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope but somehow i can't get out of the chair, because if it were just a rope I could. I forget how i got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not.The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am? And with all this power how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope!I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone? Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley; shit! i know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, does she know I'm in here world, does she know I'm here? AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!?
Comments, criticism, edits:
The only way I can really up and show my complete amusement with this bit of wonder is to paste the story again and rip it up. Here goes!
I'm in a dark room with no windows [Is this not how every single "I-am-trying-my-hardest-to-be-amazingly-cool piece of prose starts out?] and a course [they mean "coarse?"] wall that looks like it is made of bricks, the one door is locked [If my ever-short memory serves me right, is the MC not tied to a chair they cannot "escape" from? How on earth were they able to test the door? Or was it a prison door made from idiots where they put a visible latch on the inside?]. I'm linked to a chair with some type of rope [in a speshul, emotional link? How come no one knows how to use a thesaurus anymore? I may not be able to pronounce it, but...], but it can't just be a rope I would be able to escape if it were in fact just a rope [translation: I like to ramble in redundant sentences and make myself look badass. That's right. I'm better than JUST A ROPE which is indeed just a rope! Take that rope that is rope!].[Severe lack of space after period/before sentence, lacking basic grammar skills or just lacking the thought that maybe a spell check would be nice?]It feels like rope, it tugs and pulls like rope [Like a speshul magik rope? I don't know any rope that tugs and pulls. I know people who can tug and pull on ropes, but where you come from rope must be simply magical.] but somehow i [... okay, before putting your stuff on the internet, you think you could do something as simple and capitalizing the word "I." I mean... MS Word does it FOR YOU.]can't get out of the chair,[you're tied to a chair, that's the somehow.] because if it were just a rope I could [Yes, you've said that already... thrice. How hard are you trying to make the character a badass rope-ass-kicking bucket of win?]. I forget how i [See, it's not just a one-time mistake! THE SHIFT KEY IS YOUR FRIEND]got here, all I remember is talking with David, leaving school, then nothing, I swear I can hear a voice outside the door but it's just a muffled hush so I'm not sure I could be imagining it, but I'm not[yadda yadda... wait, what? Holy run-on sentence and random subjects Batman! How many times does it take to read that sentence to decipher its meaning? Bets, anyone? 5? --Thousand? What part of you reads that and thinks "hmm, I should ask another person to crit it for me, it seems like a good thing to put through other people's skulls?"].The day before, I had a fight with Chad, my best friend, who wasn't a friend anymore [My best friend who isn't a friend, we had a fight. Besides the random tense change with the "wasn't," we have a confusing "my best friend is not a friend" idea which would have gone down better as "my former best friend." How hard was that?]. He was yelling at me about secrets, could he really of figured out my secret[When I was watching the movie Pulse with my friends, we had the subtitles on for humorous value. This is where I see the bold words "OMINOUS MUSIC" pop up on the screen, and I can't help but laugh.]? Could I really of been stupid enough to give him hints that I am what I am [So again with the overwhelming wordiness And the ever-ominous, ever-HARDCORE COOL "I am something mysterious yet AWESOME"]? And with all this power ["And unspeakably POWERFUL"] how come I can't get out of this chair, get rid of this rope? And why am I here, who took me here, and how did they tie me with rope that can't be rope![I'm too cool to get pwnd by a rope! Also notice the severe lack of space here between period and start of sentence... AGAIN.]I'm stuck here, thinking about my parents, do they know I'm gone?[Whut, you're amazingly powerful and awesome but you better haul ass if you're going to miss curfew. Man, my parents are going to be PISSED. This is the third time I've been knocked out and strung up for my amazing magical powers this week! I am soooo grounded.] Have they been looking for me? I can now smell something that smells like pine, no not pine, no it is pine. Pine, sulfur, wait sulfur? Pine,sulfur, and barley[What a combination!]; shit! i [introducing the double-whammy of failing to capitalize "I" and at the beginning of a sentence!] know where I am, how did I get here, here the world where my grandmother reigns, [And you just know she's royalty too.] does she know I'm in here world [Proof-reading is your FRIEND. "I'm in here, world!"], does she know I'm here? [You know, readers get tired of reading the same things over and over and over and over... from different writers. You just keep tossing it out to us IN THE SAME SENTENCE. "Does she know I'm in this world, does she know I'm here?" Come on.] AND WHY CAN'T I GET OUT!? [BECAUSE YOU'RE SULKING OVER THE FACT THAT YOU GOT MISERABLY OWNED BY ROPE (that can't be rope because it isn't rope because the MC is too awesome for rope... by the way).]
By the way, the vast majority of stuff I pick on is people who try to make their characters overly badass and cool, which means a lot of fantasy and vampire prose. Brace yourselves!
And here's a little bit of "awesomeness" I picked up from the user's profile:
"I'm [SN removed]
my friends are treasured me enimies are valuable.......
if ur a bitch i'm a bitch...
if ur nice i'll be nice....
i'm an aspiring writer and i love to draw and do pictures....
i'm big on style so i am always up to criticism."
Well "Teen," you may want to work on basic knowledge of the English language before you go around telling the webbernets that you are an... "aspiring writer." Normally when people tell others that, they try to do so in a way that does not look like their works are found in the contents of long text messages via the latest flip-phone.
Better luck next time, Teenie.
It's too good to keep to myself.
In the odd moments that I find I have a good little chunk of spare time, I go on the internet and critique other people's prose. Some of the stuff I find is just so horribly bad that I can't give them a critique because their writing would be lost in the depths of my edits.
I also feel the need to slap some of them across the face with an oldschool quill and demand to know why they even think about putting this stuff up on the internet.
Well, because it IS already on the internet, I'm going to take it and post it here. Along with comments, possible critiques, etc, etc, for the amusement of myself and those around me.
I also feel the need to slap some of them across the face with an oldschool quill and demand to know why they even think about putting this stuff up on the internet.
Well, because it IS already on the internet, I'm going to take it and post it here. Along with comments, possible critiques, etc, etc, for the amusement of myself and those around me.
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