Because it's so painful I only critiqued the first paragraph and didn't even READ the rest of it. I will not torture myself into critiquing more and I will thus not bestow that pain unto any of you.
Here goes. It's pretty self-explanatory.
Prose:
""Hey Yukio [Strike one... Japanese name. Seriously. So over-done it makes my head spin. People have to realize that other countries exist besides the USA and Japan...], don't you need to head to class soon?" asked a boy with shoulder length [shoulder-length is hyphenated.] purple gray [purple-grey] hair[WHY do hair colors always have to be stupid? What's wrong with brown? Red? Black? Blond? Come on], who stood at five foot eleven inches, as he walked up the stairs to his room [And did he only stand at 5'11" when he walked up stairs? Try to keep your sentences to one focus... that's the point of a sentence]. He had his right eyebrow pierced, as well as his tongue [do we need this information?]. He was dressed in a black long sleeved [long-sleeved] shirt that was ripped at the shoulders, and on the ends of the sleeves. [Tedious info-dump... you don't just up and dump a load of visuals on us when you write... you introduce them as the story goes on, as the information becomes needed.]His pants were black and white striped with two belts; the first a thick studded one, and the other a thin pink one [Waaaaaaay too much info. Way too much]. He stood in the doorway looking at his twin brother ..., with his golden purple speckled eyes [And an "unusual" eye-color too? Do you know how many times this has been done? Many... many... many... times. So many times that it makes my head spin. It's no longer original, nor is it cool]. He waited on him to answer him[ very confusing wording], though he was confident that what he said was true, because Yukio was busy gathering his things up and quickly putting them in his bag. Kaori, the boy speaking to Yukio, [This we assume is truth, you don't need to say it. And again... generic Japanese names.] crossed his arms smugly."
It's something that's been done a billion times over. It's a big info-dump of trying to make your character look overly cool. Stupid eye and hair colors are completely over-done, so are Jap names.
Again... more places exist than the USA and Japan. Please start using them.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Since anyone who reads this blog is a writer...
Hello. I do not believe you know much about me. Besides being anal about the written word, I am completely and irreversibly a horse freak. I love them with everything I've got and in fact, a horse trainer is my first career of choice.
As such, I am also actively involved in horse rescue. Today's post is not about some idiot who cannot write, but rather some idiot who apparently has no compassion for any living creature. I am copying/pasting something I've been posting all over the internet. It's a plea for help. I would like any readers of this blog to please read the following and write a formal letter to the people I will give you an address to.
Copy/Paste:
I would like to introduce to you a "man" named Cleve Wells. A "horse trainer."
Cleve was recently smacked in the face by one of his clients when they showed up unannounced to check on their horse, to see how he was doing.
This is important, people! If these people had not done this THEIR HORSE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE DEAD RIGHT NOW! If you send your horse away for training, GO CHECK ON THEM UNANNOUNCED. If the trainer won't allow it, they are the wrong trainer for you. Period.
At any rate, the owners came to the barn to discover their horse had been disgustingly abused. His nose had lacerations on it, his jaw was HORRIDLY broken (the vet had to remove a two inch and a two and an a half inch chunk of bone), and his sides had been raked with spurs until they split and bled (which take a lot of force, horse hide is thick).
He claims that a worker of his was responsible but that is irrelevant. The horse was in HIS care, under HIS name, entrusted to HIM and spending time at HIS barn. These wounds were oozing with infection when the horse was discovered, meaning the horse had been that way for days and probably (most likely) weeks, meaning that Cleve has no excuse. A vet wasn't even called. Whether he physically did it himself or not, he is still responsible for what happened and the charge is on him.
These owners did the right thing. They documented it and pressed charges.
FHotD blog here (graphic pictures): http://fuglyhorseoftheday.blogspot.com/2009/01/big-names-behaving-badly.html
News article here: http://gohorseshow.com/article.cfm?articleID=23415
Well, now the court wants to drop the case. Cleve will most likely walk away from this without so much as a kick in the ass. We can't let this happen, because we KNOW where this will end up! He'll be back out and abusing and KILLING horses once more. Yes. He's killed horses.
You can YouTube his videos (search Cleve Wells) where you see him instructing people to knock their horse in the head, pull up on their face, and rake them with spurs whether they need it or not. He has always been notorious for being rough with his horses in the public eye, so can you IMAGINE what goes on behind closed doors? My guess is that this poor AQHA horse is only the tip of the iceberg.
Of course, after the owners reported Cleve people became emboldened and came forward with their own stories of abuse relating to him... which isn't as good as it should be. The abuse should have been reported IMMEDIATELY. But at least it's out in the open now.
Now. We need your help.
I need letters sent. Dozens and dozens of letters.
These need to be CALM, RATIONAL, and EDUCATED. They cannot be full of profanity, they cannot go on mindless rants about what a douche bag Cleve is (chose nicer words for the term "douche bag" at least... LOL), the cannot in ANY WAY insult the addressee.
Make a firm, forward point as to why animal abuse like this should be punished and present a very strong argument as to why Cleve should be tried, fined, and put behind bars.
The more people who do this, the better. EVERY SINGLE LETTER COUNTS. People from all over the US and Canada are agreeing to write, but the more letters we have, the more chance we've got of getting this waste of skin behind bars.
If you are worried about presenting yourself well, I am willing to proof read any letter you may want me to. You do NOT need to be obsessed with animals in any way. You don't even need to like them very much to know that THIS IS WRONG. Please, no matter how much you do or don't like animals, write these people a letter and get them to come around.
It might save some lives.
Contact information is:
District Attorney
Honorable Dale Hanna
Phone: (817) 556-6802
Fax: (817) 556-6816
Write to:
Guinn Justice Center
204 S. Buffalo Ave Room: 209
Cleburne, Texas 76033
If you have any doubt about this person, look no farther than his website.
http://www.clevewells.com/
Look on the tack for sale. You will see some of the HARSHEST bits and spurs available. Nothing but rowels and Cathedral bits.
In my ever-strong opinion, I have always, ALWAYS said that a cathedral bit is a bit that does not belong in the mouth of a horse. It has extremely long shanks and a huge, high port which can lay waste to the inside of a horse's mouth in seconds.
The roweled spurs are stupidly harsh, and in my opinion NO HORSE NEEDS SPURS THAT HARSH. Ever. Period. End of story. I, myself, have never used spurs at all. I've never needed them... not even with leg-dead, cue-dead, bomb-proofed, wont-run-if-a-cougar-bit-its-ass trail string horses.
What a waste of space.
PLEASE COPY THIS NOTE AND RE-POST IT, SEND IT OUT IN E-MAILS, WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SPREAD THE WORD AND GET THIS MAN BEHIND BARS. PLEASE, PLEASE.
As such, I am also actively involved in horse rescue. Today's post is not about some idiot who cannot write, but rather some idiot who apparently has no compassion for any living creature. I am copying/pasting something I've been posting all over the internet. It's a plea for help. I would like any readers of this blog to please read the following and write a formal letter to the people I will give you an address to.
Copy/Paste:
I would like to introduce to you a "man" named Cleve Wells. A "horse trainer."
Cleve was recently smacked in the face by one of his clients when they showed up unannounced to check on their horse, to see how he was doing.
This is important, people! If these people had not done this THEIR HORSE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE DEAD RIGHT NOW! If you send your horse away for training, GO CHECK ON THEM UNANNOUNCED. If the trainer won't allow it, they are the wrong trainer for you. Period.
At any rate, the owners came to the barn to discover their horse had been disgustingly abused. His nose had lacerations on it, his jaw was HORRIDLY broken (the vet had to remove a two inch and a two and an a half inch chunk of bone), and his sides had been raked with spurs until they split and bled (which take a lot of force, horse hide is thick).
He claims that a worker of his was responsible but that is irrelevant. The horse was in HIS care, under HIS name, entrusted to HIM and spending time at HIS barn. These wounds were oozing with infection when the horse was discovered, meaning the horse had been that way for days and probably (most likely) weeks, meaning that Cleve has no excuse. A vet wasn't even called. Whether he physically did it himself or not, he is still responsible for what happened and the charge is on him.
These owners did the right thing. They documented it and pressed charges.
FHotD blog here (graphic pictures): http://fuglyhorseoftheday.
News article here: http://gohorseshow.com/art
Well, now the court wants to drop the case. Cleve will most likely walk away from this without so much as a kick in the ass. We can't let this happen, because we KNOW where this will end up! He'll be back out and abusing and KILLING horses once more. Yes. He's killed horses.
You can YouTube his videos (search Cleve Wells) where you see him instructing people to knock their horse in the head, pull up on their face, and rake them with spurs whether they need it or not. He has always been notorious for being rough with his horses in the public eye, so can you IMAGINE what goes on behind closed doors? My guess is that this poor AQHA horse is only the tip of the iceberg.
Of course, after the owners reported Cleve people became emboldened and came forward with their own stories of abuse relating to him... which isn't as good as it should be. The abuse should have been reported IMMEDIATELY. But at least it's out in the open now.
Now. We need your help.
I need letters sent. Dozens and dozens of letters.
These need to be CALM, RATIONAL, and EDUCATED. They cannot be full of profanity, they cannot go on mindless rants about what a douche bag Cleve is (chose nicer words for the term "douche bag" at least... LOL), the cannot in ANY WAY insult the addressee.
Make a firm, forward point as to why animal abuse like this should be punished and present a very strong argument as to why Cleve should be tried, fined, and put behind bars.
The more people who do this, the better. EVERY SINGLE LETTER COUNTS. People from all over the US and Canada are agreeing to write, but the more letters we have, the more chance we've got of getting this waste of skin behind bars.
If you are worried about presenting yourself well, I am willing to proof read any letter you may want me to. You do NOT need to be obsessed with animals in any way. You don't even need to like them very much to know that THIS IS WRONG. Please, no matter how much you do or don't like animals, write these people a letter and get them to come around.
It might save some lives.
Contact information is:
District Attorney
Honorable Dale Hanna
Phone: (817) 556-6802
Fax: (817) 556-6816
Write to:
Guinn Justice Center
204 S. Buffalo Ave Room: 209
Cleburne, Texas 76033
If you have any doubt about this person, look no farther than his website.
http://www.clevewells.com/
Look on the tack for sale. You will see some of the HARSHEST bits and spurs available. Nothing but rowels and Cathedral bits.
In my ever-strong opinion, I have always, ALWAYS said that a cathedral bit is a bit that does not belong in the mouth of a horse. It has extremely long shanks and a huge, high port which can lay waste to the inside of a horse's mouth in seconds.
The roweled spurs are stupidly harsh, and in my opinion NO HORSE NEEDS SPURS THAT HARSH. Ever. Period. End of story. I, myself, have never used spurs at all. I've never needed them... not even with leg-dead, cue-dead, bomb-proofed, wont-run-if-a-cougar-bit-i
What a waste of space.
PLEASE COPY THIS NOTE AND RE-POST IT, SEND IT OUT IN E-MAILS, WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SPREAD THE WORD AND GET THIS MAN BEHIND BARS. PLEASE, PLEASE.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Just because you make fun of the idiots doesn't make you better than them...
If you're going to do it, do so in a slightly intelligent manner. Maybe with a touch of real humor? You have to somehow prove that you are smarter than the idiot. You must be SMARTER than the average illiterate angsty emo child who has nothing better to do than write about vampires on the shredded scraps of his blackened heart.
Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.
THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.
He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.
Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.
Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.
Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".
The End."
Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.
THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?
"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.
He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.
Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.
Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.
Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".
The End."
When in doubt, try to pity grab.
This is so dumb. It's written like a shopping list of angst and thrown out for the world to critique. I know people want to be cool and all but since when did the writing world become all about trying to be "deep" through being "dark and depressing." Seriously. It's hard to find a MC these days that doesn't have a devastating background that normally involves one or both parents dying. Extra points for brutal murder, extra extra points for witnessing said brutal murder. Either that or they witnessed a death or had their home burned down or someone tired to kill him, WHATEVER.
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!
So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.
It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.
I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.
Prose:
When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.
Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Flesh it out? I'm too cool to flesh out!
So we have a confident reader who thinks they're hot stuff, but wants to know what they're"lacking." They are actually lacking a story. They just write stuff down until they get bored and then skip ahead to the next event that interests them without elaborating on ANYTHING. It was like stabbing a needle through my eye.
Here's what she has to say.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
Here's what she has to say.
"When I post my stories people love them, but I am beginning to think i am missing something
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"
This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.
Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.
Prose:
Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.
When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.
My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.
(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."
Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.
All those years, and now i have her.
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."
My critique:
Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]
Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].
When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].
My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].
(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."
[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]
What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]
I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]
Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]
[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]
Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]
All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]
"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."
Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.
Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.
And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Technical knowledge is only half the story...
You can have the world's best grammar and spelling skills and still make a crappy story. Today's feature proves just that. Her grammar isn't spot-on, but she appears to have at least run the thing through a spell-checker and stayed awake during English class... yet her story still isn't good.
It's because it reflects things we have read and watched in movies about a hundred THOUSAND times over. It's typical yet it's supposed to portray an urgent, panicked feeling. We can't feel the emotion because we're reading it with blank minds because... hey, it's been done over and over... and over.
Because she took the time to at least use decent technical skills, I wrote her some feedback about what is so damn typical about her prologue in hopes that she could steer the story in an opposite direction.
In making it more interesting, the writer's main faults here are bland, boring sentence structure, cliche story line/setting/character use, and using the character's name WAY TOO MUCH.
Prose:
Christine ran through the forest, her feet pierced by tiny rocks as she ran. Christine dared to look back only to find the glowing red eyes growing closer, she tried to pick up speed but she was already at her limit. The pain in her side was growing and the air inside her lungs were burning, she knew the moment she stared into his eyes she wasn’t going to see the light of day again.
Christine tripped over a root from a tree and fell face first into a puddle of thick brown mud, she tried to get up and start running again but it was too late he had already caught up and was going to make her assumption reality. He grabbed her by her long red hair that was caked in mud and leaves; he lifted her head so she was staring into his glowing blood red eyes. Christine was paralyzed by fear; she stopped fighting and her entire body went limp. She couldn’t move she just laid there and watched as his face morphed into some sort of deformed human, his eyes appeared even more red and his teeth grew longer and sharper; his cheek bones were getting bigger and sharper and what appeared to be tribal marks started to appeared on his forehead.
When the transformation stopped he didn’t appear human anymore. With one quick jab he pierced Christine’s chest with his hand that had grown a set of razor sharp claws. Christine felt the sharp pain growing in her chest but she couldn’t move, all she could do was lay there and wait for it all to be over.
The monster stared Christine right in the eye as he watched the life slowly fade from her eyes, when the monster was sure she was dead he took out a knife with the same kind of marking on his forehead and slowly put in into the fatal wound he had inflicted with only his hand. When he pulled the knife out it was glowing red and was absorbing the blood it had picked up in the wound, the knife then let out a blast of light and returned to normal. The monster almost look human now if it weren’t for the blood red eyes, he put the knife back in his pocket and walked away into the darkness of night on the prowl for his next victim.
My critique to her:
Well here's the thing.
It's nothing we haven't read before. A few of the things:
1. The opening sentence. I could probably link you to a good 20 other topics where the prose starts off in this manner. A girl running. I could link you to even more that just starts off, right in the first sentence, with the focus of the section (or the whole story) running. Usually in a panic, usually with someone pursuing them. Granted, you could make this into a good start if it was a clear, original story or if it was a not-so-typical reason for running (ie, say they were in the middle of a race or chasing after a dog... or, even chasing after someone else!) but sadly it's not.
2. The "glowing red eyes." It's been done so many times it's near impossible to take anything like that in seriousness. Again, they can be used if it's in an original way but sadly it's not.
3. Trip over a tree root, land in a puddle. There's so many different ways for someone to fall but they always seem to do so over a tree root (I've gone running through a forest! You're more likely to trip over a bump in the ground than a tree root...) and of course there's always the troublesome puddle there. And why is everyone who is running in these stories such a clutz, anyways? They always, without fail, trip! I know if I were running in a panic, I'd be watching where I step because there's no way I'm going to find myself face-down on the ground while some creeper catches up with me! Anyways...
It's just not something I'd take the time to read into more, you know? Because I already, apparently, have read many things just like it. That's all. I mean, you're not a bad WRITER. Your grammar isn't horrible and nothing made my gauge my eyes out. You clearly at least spell checked, but that's only half of good writing.
Good luck.
It's because it reflects things we have read and watched in movies about a hundred THOUSAND times over. It's typical yet it's supposed to portray an urgent, panicked feeling. We can't feel the emotion because we're reading it with blank minds because... hey, it's been done over and over... and over.
Because she took the time to at least use decent technical skills, I wrote her some feedback about what is so damn typical about her prologue in hopes that she could steer the story in an opposite direction.
In making it more interesting, the writer's main faults here are bland, boring sentence structure, cliche story line/setting/character use, and using the character's name WAY TOO MUCH.
Prose:
Christine ran through the forest, her feet pierced by tiny rocks as she ran. Christine dared to look back only to find the glowing red eyes growing closer, she tried to pick up speed but she was already at her limit. The pain in her side was growing and the air inside her lungs were burning, she knew the moment she stared into his eyes she wasn’t going to see the light of day again.
Christine tripped over a root from a tree and fell face first into a puddle of thick brown mud, she tried to get up and start running again but it was too late he had already caught up and was going to make her assumption reality. He grabbed her by her long red hair that was caked in mud and leaves; he lifted her head so she was staring into his glowing blood red eyes. Christine was paralyzed by fear; she stopped fighting and her entire body went limp. She couldn’t move she just laid there and watched as his face morphed into some sort of deformed human, his eyes appeared even more red and his teeth grew longer and sharper; his cheek bones were getting bigger and sharper and what appeared to be tribal marks started to appeared on his forehead.
When the transformation stopped he didn’t appear human anymore. With one quick jab he pierced Christine’s chest with his hand that had grown a set of razor sharp claws. Christine felt the sharp pain growing in her chest but she couldn’t move, all she could do was lay there and wait for it all to be over.
The monster stared Christine right in the eye as he watched the life slowly fade from her eyes, when the monster was sure she was dead he took out a knife with the same kind of marking on his forehead and slowly put in into the fatal wound he had inflicted with only his hand. When he pulled the knife out it was glowing red and was absorbing the blood it had picked up in the wound, the knife then let out a blast of light and returned to normal. The monster almost look human now if it weren’t for the blood red eyes, he put the knife back in his pocket and walked away into the darkness of night on the prowl for his next victim.
My critique to her:
Well here's the thing.
It's nothing we haven't read before. A few of the things:
1. The opening sentence. I could probably link you to a good 20 other topics where the prose starts off in this manner. A girl running. I could link you to even more that just starts off, right in the first sentence, with the focus of the section (or the whole story) running. Usually in a panic, usually with someone pursuing them. Granted, you could make this into a good start if it was a clear, original story or if it was a not-so-typical reason for running (ie, say they were in the middle of a race or chasing after a dog... or, even chasing after someone else!) but sadly it's not.
2. The "glowing red eyes." It's been done so many times it's near impossible to take anything like that in seriousness. Again, they can be used if it's in an original way but sadly it's not.
3. Trip over a tree root, land in a puddle. There's so many different ways for someone to fall but they always seem to do so over a tree root (I've gone running through a forest! You're more likely to trip over a bump in the ground than a tree root...) and of course there's always the troublesome puddle there. And why is everyone who is running in these stories such a clutz, anyways? They always, without fail, trip! I know if I were running in a panic, I'd be watching where I step because there's no way I'm going to find myself face-down on the ground while some creeper catches up with me! Anyways...
It's just not something I'd take the time to read into more, you know? Because I already, apparently, have read many things just like it. That's all. I mean, you're not a bad WRITER. Your grammar isn't horrible and nothing made my gauge my eyes out. You clearly at least spell checked, but that's only half of good writing.
Good luck.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
What makes a good story?
So in the midst of all this crap I've posted, whoever might be reading this is probably thinking to themselves, "what does this woman need to impress her?" It's surprisingly not a lot. If you're reading this for tips on how not to write, good on you! There's a bunch you'll find. Now, here's a few tips on how to write, what will grab my interest and impress me.
1. A good opening
Nothing makes me turn away from a story more than if the opening is flat, lame, typical, or boring. Some typical openings can be done well, but more often than not they are crap. The really bad ones draw me in because I have a sadistic want to see just how hilariously bad the prose gets, but for the most part I will not read your story if it does not draw me in. I will scan through it, give you a few remarks that most likely involve the two sentences I did read, and I'll be on my way.
A good opening is something that's going to grab a person's attention. And not in a negative way. Not in a way that has been done over and over. Some over-done openings are:
a) Crying: "Her shoulders hunched forward as she sobbed bitterly."
b) Graveyards: "He stood at the tombstone, fists clenched and arms shaking."
c) Storms: "Lightning flashed the cross the sky in a mournful display, displaying the darkness of the world."
d) Death: "What is death?" (that opening sentence kills me inside every time I see it. And I see it a lot.)
e) Sucky life: "Life is nothing but a dark void."
f) battlefield: "Death spread out before me, mangle bodies spread across the ground."
g) Running: "His feet pounded across the ground as he ran desperately from the ominous figure."
h) Suicidal: "I don't want to live anymore."
Don't get me wrong. Done right, in an original way, emotion, or context, any of these intros can be a good intro. My own novel starts off with a thunder storm... but it's not for depressing effect. The point of it is that it's annoying the shit out of my MC. That is something you don't expect when someone talks about a thunder storm, therefore making it a more original opening.
Besides an original and interesting opening, you want something someone WANTS to read. That means special attention to grammar and sentence structure. For the first three or four sentences you want to have nit-picked over every sentence, clause, idea, and WORD. Pick your wording carefully and be sure that you haven't made any mistakes. If I see an opening that is well-worded and interesting to read, I am overly happy and I can proceed as if I was actually reading a story... not nit-picking at someone's hunk of prose. That's how you can tell if I like what you've written; I will read it through first, and then I will go back and critique. If I don't like it, I crit as I read. And THEN I just get more and more annoyed as I go along.
If I really don't like it, I put it on this blog.
2. A moving story line.
This is the next important thing. If you have a great intro but your story line is crap, well that intro only got the reader so far. This means that your story has a point. Everything you say must have some sort of meaning, everything you say must in some way help the story. If suddenly you go off rambling about something that we neither need to know or care about, you've lost the reader.
This also means that you should not stop at random times to give us an info dump. Describing an entire person's appearance in one paragraph (describing hair and eye color, clothes, height, etc, etc all in one go...) is tedious and halting to the story. Same with history-dumping. We don't need to know the MC's life story all in one go. Keep it moving forward and throw in details here and there.
For example, instead of this:
"She wore a floor-length black dress, gold earrings, and a beautiful silver necklace. Her hair was brown and her eyes were green, and she looked to be about twenty years old."
Try this:
"As she approached me, a floor-length dress whipped at her feet, its black folds seeming to absorb the light. I found myself lost for words as she extended her hand in greeting, bearing into my soul with her intense green eyes, sparkling like the golden earrings at her lobes. We exchanged greetings briefly before she launched into active conversation that seemed to occupy the lives of women her age."
And so on and so forth, just adding the details as you go along in the story. This keeps the story moving and creates more of an image.
3. Show, don't tell.
I can't stress this enough. I don't want to know point-for-point what is happening, I want to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, FEEL point-for-point what is happening. Pay attention to all of the senses and use careful wording, painting a picture in the reader's mind.
Instead of:
"He crossed the street and entered the store"
Try:
"He hurried across the busy streets and ducked into the coffee shop."
Much more descriptive, better word choice, and it paints a better, more personal image. That's all I have to say on that.
5. Spell check.
MS Word spell checks, Firefox spell checks... there is NO REASON to not spell check! It's not rocket science, and that is why this point is short. If you are too lazy to check your spelling, I will be too lazy to read your story.
6. Proof read.
A little harder than spell checking, but also not rocket science. Type up your prose, and then (this is important) leave it alone for a day or two. Come back to it. Read it over and make edits to any mistakes you see. Change up some wording to make your story appeal to you more, and see if you like it from a different perspective than if you had just written it.
Go over it with a fine-toothed comb, pick out any grammar problems you see and ask yourself if someone else would enjoy it. If you do this much, I am OVERLY impressed and would be more than happy to help you out the rest of the way. I don't expect everyone to be a grammar nut, and if you actually tried to proof read I can tell and would be more than willing to point out where you're still having trouble and give you a proper explanation on certain grammatical rules.
7. Read up on cliches
It sounds dumb, but if you Google cliches, you get plenty of sites that will help you figure out if your story is original or if you're just doing something a million other people have done. If you're not following a bunch of cliches your story is pretty much better.
They even have genre-specific cliche lists there. Type in "fantasy cliches" and you get a bunch of good stuff on what not to do.
Well! I hope this was helpful, get out there and write!
1. A good opening
Nothing makes me turn away from a story more than if the opening is flat, lame, typical, or boring. Some typical openings can be done well, but more often than not they are crap. The really bad ones draw me in because I have a sadistic want to see just how hilariously bad the prose gets, but for the most part I will not read your story if it does not draw me in. I will scan through it, give you a few remarks that most likely involve the two sentences I did read, and I'll be on my way.
A good opening is something that's going to grab a person's attention. And not in a negative way. Not in a way that has been done over and over. Some over-done openings are:
a) Crying: "Her shoulders hunched forward as she sobbed bitterly."
b) Graveyards: "He stood at the tombstone, fists clenched and arms shaking."
c) Storms: "Lightning flashed the cross the sky in a mournful display, displaying the darkness of the world."
d) Death: "What is death?" (that opening sentence kills me inside every time I see it. And I see it a lot.)
e) Sucky life: "Life is nothing but a dark void."
f) battlefield: "Death spread out before me, mangle bodies spread across the ground."
g) Running: "His feet pounded across the ground as he ran desperately from the ominous figure."
h) Suicidal: "I don't want to live anymore."
Don't get me wrong. Done right, in an original way, emotion, or context, any of these intros can be a good intro. My own novel starts off with a thunder storm... but it's not for depressing effect. The point of it is that it's annoying the shit out of my MC. That is something you don't expect when someone talks about a thunder storm, therefore making it a more original opening.
Besides an original and interesting opening, you want something someone WANTS to read. That means special attention to grammar and sentence structure. For the first three or four sentences you want to have nit-picked over every sentence, clause, idea, and WORD. Pick your wording carefully and be sure that you haven't made any mistakes. If I see an opening that is well-worded and interesting to read, I am overly happy and I can proceed as if I was actually reading a story... not nit-picking at someone's hunk of prose. That's how you can tell if I like what you've written; I will read it through first, and then I will go back and critique. If I don't like it, I crit as I read. And THEN I just get more and more annoyed as I go along.
If I really don't like it, I put it on this blog.
2. A moving story line.
This is the next important thing. If you have a great intro but your story line is crap, well that intro only got the reader so far. This means that your story has a point. Everything you say must have some sort of meaning, everything you say must in some way help the story. If suddenly you go off rambling about something that we neither need to know or care about, you've lost the reader.
This also means that you should not stop at random times to give us an info dump. Describing an entire person's appearance in one paragraph (describing hair and eye color, clothes, height, etc, etc all in one go...) is tedious and halting to the story. Same with history-dumping. We don't need to know the MC's life story all in one go. Keep it moving forward and throw in details here and there.
For example, instead of this:
"She wore a floor-length black dress, gold earrings, and a beautiful silver necklace. Her hair was brown and her eyes were green, and she looked to be about twenty years old."
Try this:
"As she approached me, a floor-length dress whipped at her feet, its black folds seeming to absorb the light. I found myself lost for words as she extended her hand in greeting, bearing into my soul with her intense green eyes, sparkling like the golden earrings at her lobes. We exchanged greetings briefly before she launched into active conversation that seemed to occupy the lives of women her age."
And so on and so forth, just adding the details as you go along in the story. This keeps the story moving and creates more of an image.
3. Show, don't tell.
I can't stress this enough. I don't want to know point-for-point what is happening, I want to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, FEEL point-for-point what is happening. Pay attention to all of the senses and use careful wording, painting a picture in the reader's mind.
Instead of:
"He crossed the street and entered the store"
Try:
"He hurried across the busy streets and ducked into the coffee shop."
Much more descriptive, better word choice, and it paints a better, more personal image. That's all I have to say on that.
5. Spell check.
MS Word spell checks, Firefox spell checks... there is NO REASON to not spell check! It's not rocket science, and that is why this point is short. If you are too lazy to check your spelling, I will be too lazy to read your story.
6. Proof read.
A little harder than spell checking, but also not rocket science. Type up your prose, and then (this is important) leave it alone for a day or two. Come back to it. Read it over and make edits to any mistakes you see. Change up some wording to make your story appeal to you more, and see if you like it from a different perspective than if you had just written it.
Go over it with a fine-toothed comb, pick out any grammar problems you see and ask yourself if someone else would enjoy it. If you do this much, I am OVERLY impressed and would be more than happy to help you out the rest of the way. I don't expect everyone to be a grammar nut, and if you actually tried to proof read I can tell and would be more than willing to point out where you're still having trouble and give you a proper explanation on certain grammatical rules.
7. Read up on cliches
It sounds dumb, but if you Google cliches, you get plenty of sites that will help you figure out if your story is original or if you're just doing something a million other people have done. If you're not following a bunch of cliches your story is pretty much better.
They even have genre-specific cliche lists there. Type in "fantasy cliches" and you get a bunch of good stuff on what not to do.
Well! I hope this was helpful, get out there and write!
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