Just because you make fun of the idiots doesn't make you better than them...

If you're going to do it, do so in a slightly intelligent manner. Maybe with a touch of real humor? You have to somehow prove that you are smarter than the idiot. You must be SMARTER than the average illiterate angsty emo child who has nothing better to do than write about vampires on the shredded scraps of his blackened heart.

Doing crap like the following is not only not funny, but a waste of time. I get what you're trying to do, but how about you do it better, hmmm? Parodies only work if they're done in a clever way that actually reads like a story.


THIS, is pure crap. I completely get that that was the point, but you could have put a little effort into maybe making this... I dunno, actually entertaining and not wasting people's time?







"Once upon a time there lived a beautiful bunny named Gogo. Gogo had no friends, so he decided to go out into the farmer's garden and find some friends.

He came across a fox, but the fox was more interested in Gogo than in anything else. Gogo felt uncomfortable so he left the fox quickly.

Then he met a tortoise, but the tortoise was creepy as well; he was head-over-heels for poor Gogo.

Gogo was very lonely, until he met another fellow bunny. This bunny was named Master. And he sparkled like no one else. They fell in love and got married.

Then they gave birth to a beautiful lochness monster, and they named it "Gogo-Master".

The End."

When in doubt, try to pity grab.

This is so dumb. It's written like a shopping list of angst and thrown out for the world to critique. I know people want to be cool and all but since when did the writing world become all about trying to be "deep" through being "dark and depressing." Seriously. It's hard to find a MC these days that doesn't have a devastating background that normally involves one or both parents dying. Extra points for brutal murder, extra extra points for witnessing said brutal murder. Either that or they witnessed a death or had their home burned down or someone tired to kill him, WHATEVER.

My MC has both parents still living, a steady career, and a good start to life and I think she's awesome!

So when we get "prose" like the following, I just want to say WHAT IS YOUR POINT? Gothic novels were all good and great in that era but now if you don't do it right, you sound like a pathetic whiner.

It doesn't help that it's written like yesterday's to-do list.

I didn't even critique it. It blew my mind THAT MUCH. It's a whole load of "WAH MY LIFE SUCKS IT'S HORRIBLE PITY ME!" What is the POINT? At least The Series of Unfortunate Events was meant to have a slightly humorous twist. You're SUPPOSED to get slightly exasperated with the story and ask yourself what ELSE can go wrong. That is good, entertaining YOUTH literature! I give them a thumbs-up. This? Not so much.


Prose:


When I was six, my mother, Agnes, would smoke packs of cigarettes until the house was filled with smoke.
I would pack my lunch and walk myself to school.
My father, Jordan, left me.
I lost touch with my best friend, Jayden.
My parents always wanted a cute baby boy.
But when a baby girl was born, the smiles disappeared.
Growing up I had one friend.
He would always help me forget everything at home.
He was my best friend.
One day, I came home from school.
There were ambulance cars surrounding the house.
Agnes had lung cancer from smoking too much cigarettes.


Now, eight years passed.
My name is Savannah Monarch.
I'm fourteen years old and live with my adoptive mother, Lauren.
I'm have no siblings.
I attend Barberry High School and I'm not really popular at this school.
I'm still being treated the way I shouldn't.
Will things change?

Flesh it out? I'm too cool to flesh out!

So we have a confident reader who thinks they're hot stuff, but wants to know what they're"lacking." They are actually lacking a story. They just write stuff down until they get bored and then skip ahead to the next event that interests them without elaborating on ANYTHING. It was like stabbing a needle through my eye.

Here's what she has to say.

"When I post my stories people love them, but I am beginning to think i am missing something
i dont know what i am missing, so i would like to know what i'd be missing"

This she said... and that's ALL she said. Someone had to come in and say "... where's the story?" before she posted it.

Man. You have to read the prose without my edits first, it's just too... wow. See if you can make more sense out of it than I did. I critiqued to her... we'll see how she takes it, fingers crossed it's good.




Prose:

Alice lived in a quite cabin in the woods. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little, weren't true. That all changes soon.

Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose to be.

When I woke this morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston. My mom died today 13 years ago. Now I am here to see why she died. She always told me that when i was old enough I will know why she lived in the woods.

My creator said that would have to resist my future, but now that i think about it, it has already been set. Now all i need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her.

(later that day)"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you, I am new here and still trying to find my way around." " It's, would you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the."

What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.

I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.

Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there, Well here goes everything.

[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."

Three years later. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind, we're getting married.

All those years, and now i have her.

"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?" " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"
" Shh I already know."





My critique:

Alice lived in a quite [quiet.] cabin in the woods [That's not a very strong opening sentence. It's a very simple sentence that doesn't pull people in. It's just bland and as a result turns the reader away.]. She never thought that the stories her mother told her when she was little,[get rid of that comma] weren't true [don't you mean were true? At any rate, it's nothing we haven't read before. It's quite cliche... done right, it could make a great story, but 99% of the time it's just done the "same ol' way."]. That all changes soon. [I think you're looking for "that would change soon." You need to watch that you are always typing in the same tense.]

Chris lived in Boston, hiding from society[... what?]. He was looking for a way to live without becoming the complete monster that he was suppose [supposed.]to be[Don't tell me this is a vampire or werewolf story...].

When I [When did this go from third person to first person??]woke this[that morning, my room wasn't the cabin I was use[used] to. I forgot that I had moved to Boston[You are using the same simple sentence structure over and over again. Switch it up, otherwise you make things dull to read. You are telling, not showing. I'm not feeling any emotion from this whatsoever.]. My mom died today 13 years ago [You should say something like "thirteen (note "thirteen," not "13" wink years from that day." Not only that, but the whole "devastation in my past" is really thin ice to tread on. You need to do so carefully and in a not "pity me for my world sucks" manner.]. Now[you don't need the "now"] I am here[No, "I was there." Watch your tenses.] to see why she died[... you are stepping pretty hard on that ice.]. She always told me that when i [Proof read! MS Word capitalizes "I" for you, there's no reason why it shouldn't be capitalized.]was old enough I will [would...]know why she lived in the woods[my attention span is kinda quitting.].

My creator [whut?]said that [are you missing the word "I" here?]would have to resist my future[stepping harder on the ice... this is all starting to sound like stuff I've read many times before.], but now that i[Again, proof reading is your friend] think about it, it has already been set[Again with the tenses! "When I thought about it, it had already been set." You start in past tense, you stay there unless part of the story actually skips to the present.]. Now all i[...] need is to find my match, he said that she has now moved here and if i go out today i will find her[okay?].

(later that day)[You never do that. Describe through your writing - NO - SHOW through your writing that is it later that day.]"Oh i am so sorry, i didn't mean to run in to you[Okay, WHAT?], I am new here and still trying to find my way around."[basic English here. Start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking.] " It's, would [I think you're missing a few words here.]you like me to help you around?" " Uhh... sure, by the way, I am Alice and you?" " I am Chris, where are you going?" " Somewhere with books and a big clock on it, I think." " Oh That is right next to my house, after you have done what you need to, would you like to come join me for linch?" " Sure, I'll see you at 3:30, okay" "Okay, see you the[... then?]."

[That is a dull, unrealistic, and flat piece of dialogue that does not switch paragraphs and on top of it it's JUST DIALOGUE. Again, you're telling, not showing. It's all speech, nothing else. It reads flat because you haven't colored it. Think as if you were talking to an actual person, how would that conversation go down? Try it with a friend. It's so lacking in emotion I actually zoned out. I'm not trying to insult you, just sayin'.]

What is he? He has no color, and a very soft, velvety voice,and an amazing smile.[What do you MEAN what is he?]

I need to see her again, everyday again. How can I survive, how can I live, I am a monster.[I am so confused I can't even begin to describe it. I was going to wait until after I critique this to mention it but it is making my head spin. You're switching between he and she. You're switching between past and present. You keep saying stuff (monster...) trying to be ominous and all it's doing is making the reader (ie, ME) say "get to your point, already!"]

Well It's 3:27, guess I have to go over-there[no, you don't hyphenate that.], Well here goes everything. [stop switching tenses. Yikes,]

[" Hello Alice." " Hello, how are you?" " fine, thank-you, and you?" "Good." "May i take your coat?" " Um, sure, here you go."[Again, lacking emotion. It feels so robotic]

Three years laterWOAH WAIT BACK UP. What the shit just happened?. Wow I'm getting married. I cant believe that Chris is my... my ... oh never mind[...], we're getting married.Okay, so Chris is a dude and you said the "I" personality was looking for a "she."]

All those years, and now i have her. Okay, here's what you're lacking. A story that isn't confusing, flat, or filled. It's a hollow story and you're just skipping forward, saying random crap and then not expanding on it. Changing tenses, people, genders, TIMES, over and over. It's making my head spin.]

"So how do you feel about being Mrs. Craft?"[I just :headdesk:.ed.] " Wonderful" " I have to tell you the biggest secret of my life and soon to be your life, I am not human I am a......"[Okay. firstly, ellipsis only have three dots. Secondly, I swear if this is a vampire piece I will virtually smack you.]
" Shh I already know."



Okay, so here's my verdict. You don't have a story. You have a bunch of random stuff you slung together and tried to expand on. If I assume correctly, you are switching between the PoVs of two different people which doesn't work when you do it like that because people don't know wtf is going on. You're switching between sentences and telling us crap we really don't care about like the mother dying. You're jumping forward through time without expanding on ANYTHING. You've got a hollow shell and you tell everything. You don't show it. At all.

Flesh it out, ask yourself why the reader cares, and ask yourself if the conversation sounds natural. Proof read, watch your grammar, and proof read if you expect people to crit for you. Ask yourself if it's original.

And for the love of everything good do not make this into a vampire piece.

Technical knowledge is only half the story...

You can have the world's best grammar and spelling skills and still make a crappy story. Today's feature proves just that. Her grammar isn't spot-on, but she appears to have at least run the thing through a spell-checker and stayed awake during English class... yet her story still isn't good.

It's because it reflects things we have read and watched in movies about a hundred THOUSAND times over. It's typical yet it's supposed to portray an urgent, panicked feeling. We can't feel the emotion because we're reading it with blank minds because... hey, it's been done over and over... and over.

Because she took the time to at least use decent technical skills, I wrote her some feedback about what is so damn typical about her prologue in hopes that she could steer the story in an opposite direction.

In making it more interesting, the writer's main faults here are bland, boring sentence structure, cliche story line/setting/character use, and using the character's name WAY TOO MUCH.



Prose:


Christine ran through the forest, her feet pierced by tiny rocks as she ran. Christine dared to look back only to find the glowing red eyes growing closer, she tried to pick up speed but she was already at her limit. The pain in her side was growing and the air inside her lungs were burning, she knew the moment she stared into his eyes she wasn’t going to see the light of day again.

Christine tripped over a root from a tree and fell face first into a puddle of thick brown mud, she tried to get up and start running again but it was too late he had already caught up and was going to make her assumption reality. He grabbed her by her long red hair that was caked in mud and leaves; he lifted her head so she was staring into his glowing blood red eyes. Christine was paralyzed by fear; she stopped fighting and her entire body went limp. She couldn’t move she just laid there and watched as his face morphed into some sort of deformed human, his eyes appeared even more red and his teeth grew longer and sharper; his cheek bones were getting bigger and sharper and what appeared to be tribal marks started to appeared on his forehead.

When the transformation stopped he didn’t appear human anymore. With one quick jab he pierced Christine’s chest with his hand that had grown a set of razor sharp claws. Christine felt the sharp pain growing in her chest but she couldn’t move, all she could do was lay there and wait for it all to be over.

The monster stared Christine right in the eye as he watched the life slowly fade from her eyes, when the monster was sure she was dead he took out a knife with the same kind of marking on his forehead and slowly put in into the fatal wound he had inflicted with only his hand. When he pulled the knife out it was glowing red and was absorbing the blood it had picked up in the wound, the knife then let out a blast of light and returned to normal. The monster almost look human now if it weren’t for the blood red eyes, he put the knife back in his pocket and walked away into the darkness of night on the prowl for his next victim.




My critique to her:


Well here's the thing.

It's nothing we haven't read before. A few of the things:

1. The opening sentence. I could probably link you to a good 20 other topics where the prose starts off in this manner. A girl running. I could link you to even more that just starts off, right in the first sentence, with the focus of the section (or the whole story) running. Usually in a panic, usually with someone pursuing them. Granted, you could make this into a good start if it was a clear, original story or if it was a not-so-typical reason for running (ie, say they were in the middle of a race or chasing after a dog... or, even chasing after someone else!) but sadly it's not.

2. The "glowing red eyes." It's been done so many times it's near impossible to take anything like that in seriousness. Again, they can be used if it's in an original way but sadly it's not.

3. Trip over a tree root, land in a puddle. There's so many different ways for someone to fall but they always seem to do so over a tree root (I've gone running through a forest! You're more likely to trip over a bump in the ground than a tree root...) and of course there's always the troublesome puddle there. And why is everyone who is running in these stories such a clutz, anyways? They always, without fail, trip! I know if I were running in a panic, I'd be watching where I step because there's no way I'm going to find myself face-down on the ground while some creeper catches up with me! Anyways...


It's just not something I'd take the time to read into more, you know? Because I already, apparently, have read many things just like it. That's all. I mean, you're not a bad WRITER. Your grammar isn't horrible and nothing made my gauge my eyes out. You clearly at least spell checked, but that's only half of good writing.

Good luck.

What makes a good story?

So in the midst of all this crap I've posted, whoever might be reading this is probably thinking to themselves, "what does this woman need to impress her?" It's surprisingly not a lot. If you're reading this for tips on how not to write, good on you! There's a bunch you'll find. Now, here's a few tips on how to write, what will grab my interest and impress me.

1. A good opening

Nothing makes me turn away from a story more than if the opening is flat, lame, typical, or boring. Some typical openings can be done well, but more often than not they are crap. The really bad ones draw me in because I have a sadistic want to see just how hilariously bad the prose gets, but for the most part I will not read your story if it does not draw me in. I will scan through it, give you a few remarks that most likely involve the two sentences I did read, and I'll be on my way.

A good opening is something that's going to grab a person's attention. And not in a negative way. Not in a way that has been done over and over. Some over-done openings are:

a) Crying: "Her shoulders hunched forward as she sobbed bitterly."

b) Graveyards: "He stood at the tombstone, fists clenched and arms shaking."

c) Storms: "Lightning flashed the cross the sky in a mournful display, displaying the darkness of the world."

d) Death: "What is death?" (that opening sentence kills me inside every time I see it. And I see it a lot.)

e) Sucky life: "Life is nothing but a dark void."

f) battlefield: "Death spread out before me, mangle bodies spread across the ground."

g) Running: "His feet pounded across the ground as he ran desperately from the ominous figure."

h) Suicidal: "I don't want to live anymore."


Don't get me wrong. Done right, in an original way, emotion, or context, any of these intros can be a good intro. My own novel starts off with a thunder storm... but it's not for depressing effect. The point of it is that it's annoying the shit out of my MC. That is something you don't expect when someone talks about a thunder storm, therefore making it a more original opening.

Besides an original and interesting opening, you want something someone WANTS to read. That means special attention to grammar and sentence structure. For the first three or four sentences you want to have nit-picked over every sentence, clause, idea, and WORD. Pick your wording carefully and be sure that you haven't made any mistakes. If I see an opening that is well-worded and interesting to read, I am overly happy and I can proceed as if I was actually reading a story... not nit-picking at someone's hunk of prose. That's how you can tell if I like what you've written; I will read it through first, and then I will go back and critique. If I don't like it, I crit as I read. And THEN I just get more and more annoyed as I go along.

If I really don't like it, I put it on this blog.



2. A moving story line.

This is the next important thing. If you have a great intro but your story line is crap, well that intro only got the reader so far. This means that your story has a point. Everything you say must have some sort of meaning, everything you say must in some way help the story. If suddenly you go off rambling about something that we neither need to know or care about, you've lost the reader.

This also means that you should not stop at random times to give us an info dump. Describing an entire person's appearance in one paragraph (describing hair and eye color, clothes, height, etc, etc all in one go...) is tedious and halting to the story. Same with history-dumping. We don't need to know the MC's life story all in one go. Keep it moving forward and throw in details here and there.

For example, instead of this:
"She wore a floor-length black dress, gold earrings, and a beautiful silver necklace. Her hair was brown and her eyes were green, and she looked to be about twenty years old."

Try this:
"As she approached me, a floor-length dress whipped at her feet, its black folds seeming to absorb the light. I found myself lost for words as she extended her hand in greeting, bearing into my soul with her intense green eyes, sparkling like the golden earrings at her lobes. We exchanged greetings briefly before she launched into active conversation that seemed to occupy the lives of women her age."

And so on and so forth, just adding the details as you go along in the story. This keeps the story moving and creates more of an image.



3. Show, don't tell.

I can't stress this enough. I don't want to know point-for-point what is happening, I want to SEE, HEAR, SMELL, FEEL point-for-point what is happening. Pay attention to all of the senses and use careful wording, painting a picture in the reader's mind.

Instead of:

"He crossed the street and entered the store"

Try:

"He hurried across the busy streets and ducked into the coffee shop."

Much more descriptive, better word choice, and it paints a better, more personal image. That's all I have to say on that.



5. Spell check.

MS Word spell checks, Firefox spell checks... there is NO REASON to not spell check! It's not rocket science, and that is why this point is short. If you are too lazy to check your spelling, I will be too lazy to read your story.



6. Proof read.

A little harder than spell checking, but also not rocket science. Type up your prose, and then (this is important) leave it alone for a day or two. Come back to it. Read it over and make edits to any mistakes you see. Change up some wording to make your story appeal to you more, and see if you like it from a different perspective than if you had just written it.

Go over it with a fine-toothed comb, pick out any grammar problems you see and ask yourself if someone else would enjoy it. If you do this much, I am OVERLY impressed and would be more than happy to help you out the rest of the way. I don't expect everyone to be a grammar nut, and if you actually tried to proof read I can tell and would be more than willing to point out where you're still having trouble and give you a proper explanation on certain grammatical rules.



7. Read up on cliches

It sounds dumb, but if you Google cliches, you get plenty of sites that will help you figure out if your story is original or if you're just doing something a million other people have done. If you're not following a bunch of cliches your story is pretty much better.

They even have genre-specific cliche lists there. Type in "fantasy cliches" and you get a bunch of good stuff on what not to do.








Well! I hope this was helpful, get out there and write!

So here's one from a guy...

Seeing as I seen to have thus far only picked on female writers, we can show that it's not just them trying to be dark, mysterious, and completely awesome. This one was very short, so I ended up critiquing it in the guy's topic, so I'll just copy/paste what I wrote to him.


Topic:

Death



Prose:

She ran through the night [Why everyone needs to start their story off this way I'll never know...].The foot steps [footsteps*] coming [were coming*]she did not know where she was all she knew was she had to keep going [So confusing, lacking in punctuation, and just so random... no structure or thought whatsoever, of course.], the church, she thought so she ran to it,[Part of the sentence with absolutely no pause or emotion, switching into a run-on sentence. You're telling, not showing, and doing so in a big run-on sentence, giving us the readers a big headache.] in her bleached white robe [Cliche.], her long golden hair her bare feat [feet... you know, spell check and proof reading are your friends.]all seemed to leave her behind as she flew on fear [what a tedious sentence. I think you need to go back and proof read and fix it up so that it's presentable. And grammatically correct.]. There it was, the lights of fire blazing the holy music ringing but the foot steps were closer or were they hoves [hooves? Feet and hooves sound completely different, and why the shit would they be hooves? How confusing...] I it didn't matter.
"Father i nead to releive my..."said an inercent [Said a what?]
An ear crippling bone cerdiling [curdling? By the way, bones don't curdle. Blood does.]scream. [And a fragmented sentence!]

I suggest proof reading stuff before posting it for the internet to see.




And there you have it. I really have no further comments other than to say I think he had a cliche image in his head and had to show the world... as if we haven't seen this crap before.

Where are you, originality?

I almost don't need to comment...

Apart from her spelling "grammar" as "grammer" in her story's introductory, our next author also told everyone not to be badass about said "grammer" (but expected a critique? I don't get people.) Speaking from a nerd's experience, it is impossible to make grammar (or grammer) badass in any way, shape, or form.

Maybe in a group of Grammar Nazis. "YEAH, the way you owned those quotations marks was SOOOOOOO BADASS!"

Wow. I read the intro line, and two sentences into the prose and immediately pasted it onto the blog... so I'm reading it and experiencing it as I edit, fun for you, fun for me haha.

Anyways, onto the prose!



Topic:

I have a story idea prolouge inside



Prose (with my ever-subtle comments and edits added):

The world it can be a very scary and horrible place [Oh, isn't it always? And people wonder why the world's suicide rates are up... because parents think it's okay for kids to spew crap like this. Ooooh, it's just a phase. It's not a phase when you decide it's toooooo dark and tooooo depressing and, oh, I dunno, die. But then parents will start saying "oh, death is just a phase! They'll get over it. It's ridiculous.], especially when your not a full blooded [Lack of hyphen]human being [Oh, I bet you're something real badass. Like grammEr.]. It has been about three years now since we have been revealed to the world for what we really are [... every time I read this sentence it gets lamer and lamer... I mean, how much better is it since Teenie said it? It's not. It's less.]. You may think that’s great, we no longer have to hide but that is only half true [Missing a comma Awkward sentence. Oy.]. My name is aroura deveroux [Okay, my five-year-old cousin knows that you have to capitalize a name. And what a lame name. They tried REAL HARD to make it dark and mysterious, you just KNOW.] and I’m not human never have been [Well last time I checked you generally stay the same species you were born as... but that used to be the same truth for gender as well...]and since I’ve come to this realm thousands of years ago [Oh, and you're thousands of years old too. You just get more and more awesome, don't you? I bet you have stupid colored eyes too, I'm laying down five bucks for that right now.] I’ve learned many things [But despite thousands of years failed basic English comprehension (like capitalizing names...)]. My realm is called Eternia[Sounds like a feminine hernia.] many come from there and none of us are human[They're all badass instead.]. In my realm I am royalty heir to the throne [Of COURSE you are. See? Teenie's not the only one, I wasn't just nitpicking with her. It's popular, it's lame, it's over-done... NEXT.]and my land is peaceful and loving[D'awwwwww...]. Yes we have thief’s and murderers [... so you pluralize differently between two things that are right next to each other? You just blew my mind. By the way, it's thieves.]and things just like earth ["And things just like Earth." Minus the proper capitalization... that is QUALITY writing, right there.]but things are different there more tolerant, but back to this day and age [And this sentence just got better. Wow, how do you come up with something as outstanding as this?]. When we first came out we were feared and many of us died[When people are scared of you, you die. So be nice!], yes there really are vampires and demons [...]and all sorts of creatures that you once thought were myths[Nuh uh! I knew about them because I am a 50 000 year old demon. I have purple hair and highlighter green eyes that are so intense that no one else can look in them. I'm a princess and I have VAST amounts of magical powers that I can defeat anyone with. I'm just awesome, do not doubt my knowledge foolish simpleton!]. I am none of what you would call a normal other[A whuut?], I have wings [Of course you do. OH WAIT! I mean, so do I! I have four wings, beat that!] of either black and red dragon or pure white silver feathers [Wait what? You don't know what your wings are, but you know they're something AWESOME~!]. I have fangs[Yep...] and my eyes are a deep violet[I KNEW IT!! I EFFING KNEW IT!!] and yes I feed off of blood but not only blood I do eat normal food like you all do[I only eat pure awesomeness.]. I control the element of water[See? Supr awsum skilz. Saw that one coming too.] and I have many other powers of what many call a witch [Your super powers are called witch? What kind of power is that?]and once many years ago I had only one here who could have been able to mach me [See? No one can defeat super awesome characters, they're just too win.]and well he was once the love of my life [Okay, maybe I should have seen the ultimate love thing before.]. His name is blaze and he is the prince of the realm you call hell[And just when you think it can't get any better...], but years went by and my powers have diminished [Hosnap. Did your wings diminish too? Because I recall you saying you just revealed yourself as "what you really were" three years ago but have been in the "human realm" for thousands of years. Hmmmmmmm. Unless only people you WANT TO can see your wings.] and now I am still powerful [More than YOU]but not immortal [Oh shucks.] as I once was to this realm ["not immortal as I once was to this realm." Huh.]. When we first came out[of the closet?] the human government recruited me and my partners two others and three humans for a special project [Confusion.]so those who knew me now think I’m dead[Wait, when you get recruited for a special project people think you're dead? PROFESSOR! WAIT! I DON'T WANT EXTRA CREDIT ANY MORE!]. I work to keep people alive other and human alike,[... more confusion. "Other and human alike." What?] my force [Meaning just you, of course, because you're smarter and more awesome than anyone else in the group, am I right? You lead that group, don't you?]works together to patrol the worlds and keep things under the law[What law? Hell, we can't even keep more than one country - no - one CITY under the same set of laws!], But now something is happening and things are coming out of the shadows[Don't worry, it's just your wings. False alarm.] and trying to destroy earth and every other realm they can get there [They're, there... THEIR.]hands[or super magik clawz] on. Humans still don’t care for us[Right because humans are naturally dickholes who hate EVERYTHING.] but we have rights as well so they cant do anything but live with us[OOOOH so you're like the really annoying homosexual who won't shut up about how gays are people too and therefore you have to live with his/her flirting with you whether you like it or not, and they're allowed to be as annoying and loud about it as humanly possible, but tell them to shut up and you're a HOMOPHOBE... yeah, that's about you right now.]. Still like back in the old days there are to many prejudice’s [... PLURAL FAIL]and many places wont let us in if they can see what we are[Yeah, the wings aren't a dead give away. Good lord, I PITY you... PSYCH!!]. No we try not to hide [No?], we shouldn’t have to[Oh how I pity your all-powerfulness...]. many of us are not cruel and evil like the stories say. Yes I can hide who I am but I choose not to[Oh right, people can only see your speshul awesumness when you say, I forgot.]. Now blaze has gone missing [WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Cue dramatic music...]and so have many others of our kind and me and my partners syrah[Why is it so hard to capitalize a NAME?] and Lilith the others on my team and dean Robby and Alice the humans have to find out what is going on and why things are going way, way to wrong and hopefully save the realms as we know it[That sentence was so horrible and ran on and it had so many ands in it and it was random and had no one subject and really no purpose other than to ramble on and it was broken up and tedious and omigosh.]. Our own realms refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong in there worlds and we have to fight alone[brb, I pity myself, gotta go cut now. Of course, you're all alone in the cruel world and people hate you. What's next, crappy poetry? Oh please, no!].



Another day, another butcher to our language. Why why WHY, when we have AMAZING educational systems, do people insist on falling asleep in class? Come ON.

At least she isn't like the Comma Fiend, who is apparently an English TEACHER. Wow.